Day 94: Why is this happen to me?

It's free day and I sleep in my bed. It's noise around me, so I don't sleep, but I want. So once I wake up and remind that I have chat. I look in my portable device and see that I have message there, but person are not on. It's panic time. I write in message sorry for late because I slept so many time, but I don't fell better. But I late less than half of hour. I wait her and hope that come back. But she is not came. I wait hour. It's the same. So I become nervous. I'm not late, ok, I was late, but not so much. So time go on. It was time for eat. And I cant eat. I go out, but soon came back. I was nervous and bad mood. Why is this happen to me today? Why? So I on my notebook and I get message from her, that is ok, that this is can happen each person. I feel better now. I remember that I often dream that I was late. I must do this and that and in the end I stay at home or I'm so late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less, because I'm late. When and as I see myself that I feel less, because I'm late, I stop and breath. I realize that each person are sometimes late, because a lot of reasons. But for me is some reasons forgivable, but other not. If person late because asleep, accident in the way, is ok, but if late, because they don't want go there or because is be better at home is not forgivable. I commit myself that I accept if I late sometimes and don't feel less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to became panic, because person that I have chat with is off. When and as I see myself to become panic, because person that I have chat with is off, I stop and breath. I realize that we have chat weekly, and if we don't chat this week, we chat next, or we chat on e-mail if something is so important. So be in panic is not need. I commit myself that I think, before react and if not need to react I go forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become panic, because I be late to turn exam to the professor and I run after him and turn exam him last moment. When and as I see myself to become panic, because I be late to turn exam to the professor and I run after him and turn exam him last moment, I stop and breath. I realize that each person/student have enough time for finish exam and if don't know enough is not enough time and you look and don't finish in time. I commit myself that I look in watch how much time I have and turn exam a minute before is over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous because she don't come back in web. When and ans I see myself to be nervous because she don't come back in web, I stop and breath. I realize that she has her life and she don't have time only for me. So I must be on time and if I late, I have next chance next week. So simple. I don't need be nervous, I must breath and live my life in this moment. I commit myself if I'm nervous, I calm myself and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'm not person who late and because I'm late this time I hate myself. When and as I see myself to think that I'm not person who late and because I'm late this time I hate myself, I stop and breath. I realize that I not need hate myself, because I see myself like person who don't late. I'm like other person and I'm late too. I commit myself that I don't judge myself and say myself that I hate myself because I late one not life important chat.

Day 93: Painful knees 5

That day the wood fell in my knee I don't want go to help him, but I go anyway. I help him, but I work slowly. This was too much for me, because I don't want work at that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be there and work what I don't want in that moment. When and as I see myself to be there and work what I don't want in that moment, I stop and breath. I realize that work must be done if I want to do or not. Be in nature and help other person is not hard work, but if I don't want to work, I thinking how to avoid to work. I commit myself that I do what must be done at home if I want or not and not thinking how avoid to work, because I think too much I hurt myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too much how avoid to work. When and as I see myself to think too much how avoid to work, I stop and breath. I realize that I must stop thinking so much all the time and start doing. If I think one thing and do other I hurt myself and I was so tired. So I can think only what and how to do. I commit myself that I breath more and thinking less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to help other or work. When and as I see myself to force myself to help other or work, I stop and breath. I realize that I'm so lazy and I don't see what I must to do for better life in family. I hear too much time, that I don't do correct, so I don't do anything other only what I must to do. I commit myself that I see more what must be done and do that.

Day 92: Painful knees 4

I believe that I need someone to live with. I wish be wife and mother. But I realize that I can't be this in this moment, because I only wish. I'm not prepare to be. I don't be life, I'm person who want, need someone next to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need someone next to me. When and as I see myself to think that I need someone next to me, I stop and breath. I realize that This someone is me. I?m all the time next to myself. I'm this someone. I can support myself. I can be all what I need. I am what I need. I commit myself that I know that I am that someone next to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want someone next to me. When and as I see myself to want someone next to me, I stop and breath. I realize that I have only wish. And wish is in my mind, my imagination. I can wist world peace, be different than I am now and a lot of other things. But some things can actualize, other not. And my wish about to be someone next to me is real, because, all the time is someone next to me. This person are myself. I commit myself that I'm not looking for someone to be next to me, I must only know that this person is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want be a mother and wife. When and as I see myself to want be a mother and wife, I stop and breath. I realize that I'm life. I can be mother because I have uterus. And this is all. I can be mother, parent. But why? I want someone to be with, to care, to teach, to love. I want someone who need me. I'm see that I'm so egoistic. Having child is not wish. Is a process. Child is a person, life. And when I have stable, then I can have child if my partner want too. Child is responsibility for two person, two partners. And child is not mine. Child is little person and all community teach and care for this person. I commit myself to know, that child is person, life and responsibility for two person or more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need partner to be together and partner like me, love me, care of me. When and as I see myself that I believe that I need partner to be together and partner like me, love me, care of me, I stop and breath. I realize that I live in family where parents love me. They put me all what I need and I think that I'm not good enough to put myself what I need, because I don't have proper job. So I need someone who take me money and what I need, but if I try hard I have enough for life and more. So I must take responsibility and do all for earn money for myself. I commit myself that I do all to do myself what I need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm alone all life and no one like me. When and as I see myself to believe that I'm alone all life and no one like me, I stop and breath. I realize that I don't like myself, because I'm all the time with myself. But I don't see that, because I look for other people, other mind, energy from other people. I'm so egoistic and look only on myself and my good feeling. I commit myself that I be with myself, do all what I want, and what I must to do to start like and love myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so egoistic and see only myself and what I want and need. When and as I see myself to be so egoistic and see only myself and what I want and need, I stop and breath. I realize that I'm only person like other. I'm not lees or more than other, because we all are the same. I want be loved, but I can love myself. I want money, and I can earn it. I want someone to be together for talk, live, walk, love, but I don't see, that I can all give to myself. I don't see what I am and what I have, only what I need and want and what must other people give me. I can live alone, I can love myself, I can write, I can go alone to walk or vacation. I am and I have all what I want and need. I commit myself that I'm in this moment, physically active and breath.

Day 91: Painful knees 3

Sexual relation, intimacy, sex. When one go with other in bed and have sex? Is there love, sexual attraction, agreement, friendship between that two person? How is in my case?
I always think that I not need to be in love to have sex with someone. But I see, that person that i go with in bed must attraction me. But since I have bad experience with man I don't have sex so often, because I scare what they do to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I not need be in love to have sex with men. When and as I see myself to think that I not need be in love to have sex with men, I stop and breath. I realize that really not need be in love to have sex, but it's better that you in relation with this person. There are a lot of illness, infidelity and if you sex with all, you don't do that is best for all. I commit myself that I have sex if I'm in relationship with this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that man must only attract me to go with him in bed. When and as I see myself to think that man must only attract me to go with him in bed, I stop and breath. I realize that attraction is not enough for sex and relationship that work. I'm too old to go from one man to other and be with him only for sex. I'm too old for this too much time. Yes, this is my past, but is my present and my future too. I commit myself that I'm responsible and don't have sex with men only because I need it and I can be intimate with myself, is better and more safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have too much men for sex in too short period. When and as I see myself to have too much men for sex in too short period, I stop and breath. I realize that this is a part of my life when I look for myself and I don't know what I want, what I need. Now I know that man who talk too much about sex and how good is, that is only talk. So I decide to look for person that we know each other or knowing slowly. I commit myself that I respect myself, my body and men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pose for take some xxx pictures. When and as I see myself to think to pose for take some xxx pictures again, I stop and breath. I realize that in on way this mean that you love your body, but in other way you expose yourself in public. I have one pic that I like it and I want it. But the most of pictures I want to have only for myself. I love myself and for me only the best. I commit myself that I think before I do something like this again, or better, never do this again.

Day 90: Painful knees 2

And here is problem. I write about this men and I can talk about it. But few days ago I can't anymore. Something stop me. I done one SF and was better, but here are a lot of point about men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare men what to do to me, because I think if one man hurt me, that can do all who talk with. When and as I see myself to scare men what to do to me, because I think if one man hurt me, that can do all who talk with me, I stop and breath. I realize that people are different. One person can so hurt me, but other can be so nice to me. So if one man hurt me, don't mean that all men must hurt me. But now I'm old enough and know a lot, so I can react differently than last time. I commit myself that I believe in myself and know that I allow them to hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare to go to the date/drink. When and as I see myself to scare to go to the date/drink, I stop and breath. I realize that each person have something that scare to see other person who know each other on web and don't know a lot of time. But the same is if meet someone in real first time. First time you meet is first time. I commit myself to go more often out, not need go to the date.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that go in the date mean to me go to the drink, dinner and be more intimate, but not need be sexual activity in the first date, ordinary meeting are only go to the drink and talk with each other. When and as I see myself to believe that go in the date mean to me go to the drink, dinner and be more intimate, but not need be sexual activity in the first date, ordinary meeting are only go to the drink and talk with each other, I stop and breath. I realize that go to the drink or have ordinary meeting is the same that if you go to the date. It was me and one, and we have fun together and drink and talk. Each meeting is the same, here is only my position that I look who is one, who is in opposite direction that I meet with, is person that I like it or only have friends. I commit myself that each meeting is date or normal/ordinary meeting, because is the same, there no difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare meet with men in real life but on web I can talk with. When and as I see myself to scare meet with men in real life but on web I can talk with, I stop and breath. I realize that I have a lot of courage on web, but not so much in real life. But here is one point too. With this men who ask me to meet with often don't chat about everyday topic, they talk about sex and so one. I don't need and don't look for that kind of person that I can't talk with him. I commit myself that I don't worry what is wrong with me if I don't want meet with person that don't talk with me about real life topic, not only about sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses why I can't meet with men. When and as I see myself to look for excuses why I can't meet with men, I stop and breath. I realize that it's my life and my decision and if I don't want to meet with person, I don't need to meet with this person. I commit myself that I respect myself and if I say no, it must be enough, I not need look for excuses why not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like one abuse me when I allow him be intimate with me. When and as I see myself to feel like one abuse me when I allow him be intimate with me, I stop and breath. I realize that I made mistake when I meet with one. I say one yes, so here is no abuse, but I feel like someone hurt me. That moment only lie on the floor in the blanket and one do all. I know that this is my problem, my decision. I commit myself that I forgive one what one do to me in this happening and know that my word is my permission/contract with other.

Day 89: Painful knees 1

In past blog I start writing about painful knees. Today I write more about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need someone to be with. When and as I see myself to think that I need someone to be with, I stop and breath. I realize that I this someone to be with is myself. Be with myself is most important, because no need other people around. I commit myself to know that only person to be with is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that be together with someone is the best way, because I don't be alone and all the time I can talk with someone. When and as I see myself to think that be together with someone is the best way, because I don't be alone and all the time I can talk with someone, I stop and breath. I realize that couple aren't together all the time and when are together they don't talk with each other often. Some coupe are together but they don't speak with each other and they feel more lonely than single people. I commit myself that I'm happy and accepted what I have and I try be best that I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that single people are less than couple. When and as I see myself to think that single people are less than couple, I stop and breath. I realize that all people are the same, single or in relation. Single people only think that they be better if they be in relationship, but people in relationship know, that be in relation is not so easy that look like. I commit myself that I know, that I'm equal than people in relationships, because I'm person like other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'm less because I don't have family and children in my age. When and as I see myself to think that I'm less because I don't have family and children in my age, I stop and breath. I realize that being mother and wife are not so easy and women need be strong, stable, have money and want to have family. When couple have child is their choice. Some women have child at 16, 18, 20, but other at 28, 30, 35, 40. Being old or young is only number and this is only one point why they have family. I commit myself that I know, that I have only 30 years and I have a lot of time for partner and children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know what I want from my partner, but now I see that I don't have any clue. When and as I see myself to think that I know what I want from my partner, but now I see that I don't have a clue, I stop and breath. I realize that I want partner who want a children, we can talk with each other, we are equal in our relationship. I commit myself that I look for what I want in relationships and look this on my future partner and became myself what I look for in other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that be with someone is easier than be single. When and as I see myself to think that be with someone is easier than be single, I stop and breath. I realize that being single mean more time for myself, I can go where and when I want and do what I want. I not need to ask anybody for permission to go out or in some place. I commit myself that know that it easier be single, that with someone, because if you with someone is more conversation.

Day 88: Painful knees

Soon will be 2 years since 1 m (1 m is equivalent to 1.0936 yards, or 39.370 inches) tall wood fall in my right knee. This hurt me a few months and since then hurt me only when I must squat down and I was tired (my leg was tired, I walk a lot). But 6 months ago start hurts me both knees when I go up and down on the stairs. It was too much for me so I buy bandage for knee. It help me, but not for long time. So I talk with someone who tell me, that knee is in relation to feeling lonely and how I approach relationships with men, then this person tell me that if I look at the point of falling on the knee at that time - it was linked to the feeling of falling into despair and loneliness and later these are the points that will take me into mine depression and cause I to ‘fall on my knees’ as an expression that means me are giving into depression or falling down. This person recommendation me go to the doctor if might be inflammation and doctor take me a pills, because I might want to get an anti-inflammatory from the pharmacy to help bring down the inflammation - because if one does not sort out the inflammation it can make the problem worse. And I go to the doctor and it was inflammation, doctor take me a pills and in beginning was better, but after few days anymore. I feel some kind of pain in my knees, but not the same than before.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely because I don't have friends, I don't have relationship and I think that my parents don't like me. When and as I see myself to feel lonely because I don't have friends, I don't have relationship and I think that my parents don't like me, I stop and breath. I realize that I have friends, but not close to me and I can't visit it every moment that I need chat. I'm single, I'm not in relationship with no one include myself. And I think that my parents don't like me, because they told me a think that hurt me. I know that they want me all the best, but if they say me that I'm fat, they do, that I eat more not less. I commit myself that when I feel lonely, I know, that I have friends, my parents like me and I'm in relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can't help myself and be in relationship with myself, be alone but not lonely. When and as I see myself to think that I can't help myself and be in relationship with myself, be alone but not lonely, I stop and breath. I realize that the most important relationship is relationship with myself. Only me can support myself in best way, only me can see my problems and only me know what is in my mind and what I feel about different things. The best support is when I support myself, when I do the best for my body, myself and all around me. When I see when I do mistake and correct it. When I see problem and correct myself and my attitude to this problem and find solution. I'm my the best buddy and the best support. I commit myself to be in relationship with myself, support myself and do right thing for me, my body and people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that be in relationship with myself is big deal. When and as I see myself to think, that be in relationship with myself is big deal, I stop and breath. I realize that my problem with breathing and squeezing in my chest are only because I realize how big point is going in relationship with myself. Since now I must support myself all the time. And this is big step in my process. I commit myself that I be supportive to myself and know, that this is only small step in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need men to be in relationship with. When and as I see myself to think that I need men to be in relationship with, I stop and breath. I realize that in the same time I know, that I can't be in relationship, but in other way I want family, men and children. I commit myself that I'm stable person and after that I start thinking about partnership and family.