Day 91: Painful knees 3

Sexual relation, intimacy, sex. When one go with other in bed and have sex? Is there love, sexual attraction, agreement, friendship between that two person? How is in my case?
I always think that I not need to be in love to have sex with someone. But I see, that person that i go with in bed must attraction me. But since I have bad experience with man I don't have sex so often, because I scare what they do to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I not need be in love to have sex with men. When and as I see myself to think that I not need be in love to have sex with men, I stop and breath. I realize that really not need be in love to have sex, but it's better that you in relation with this person. There are a lot of illness, infidelity and if you sex with all, you don't do that is best for all. I commit myself that I have sex if I'm in relationship with this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that man must only attract me to go with him in bed. When and as I see myself to think that man must only attract me to go with him in bed, I stop and breath. I realize that attraction is not enough for sex and relationship that work. I'm too old to go from one man to other and be with him only for sex. I'm too old for this too much time. Yes, this is my past, but is my present and my future too. I commit myself that I'm responsible and don't have sex with men only because I need it and I can be intimate with myself, is better and more safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have too much men for sex in too short period. When and as I see myself to have too much men for sex in too short period, I stop and breath. I realize that this is a part of my life when I look for myself and I don't know what I want, what I need. Now I know that man who talk too much about sex and how good is, that is only talk. So I decide to look for person that we know each other or knowing slowly. I commit myself that I respect myself, my body and men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pose for take some xxx pictures. When and as I see myself to think to pose for take some xxx pictures again, I stop and breath. I realize that in on way this mean that you love your body, but in other way you expose yourself in public. I have one pic that I like it and I want it. But the most of pictures I want to have only for myself. I love myself and for me only the best. I commit myself that I think before I do something like this again, or better, never do this again.

Day 90: Painful knees 2

And here is problem. I write about this men and I can talk about it. But few days ago I can't anymore. Something stop me. I done one SF and was better, but here are a lot of point about men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare men what to do to me, because I think if one man hurt me, that can do all who talk with. When and as I see myself to scare men what to do to me, because I think if one man hurt me, that can do all who talk with me, I stop and breath. I realize that people are different. One person can so hurt me, but other can be so nice to me. So if one man hurt me, don't mean that all men must hurt me. But now I'm old enough and know a lot, so I can react differently than last time. I commit myself that I believe in myself and know that I allow them to hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare to go to the date/drink. When and as I see myself to scare to go to the date/drink, I stop and breath. I realize that each person have something that scare to see other person who know each other on web and don't know a lot of time. But the same is if meet someone in real first time. First time you meet is first time. I commit myself to go more often out, not need go to the date.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that go in the date mean to me go to the drink, dinner and be more intimate, but not need be sexual activity in the first date, ordinary meeting are only go to the drink and talk with each other. When and as I see myself to believe that go in the date mean to me go to the drink, dinner and be more intimate, but not need be sexual activity in the first date, ordinary meeting are only go to the drink and talk with each other, I stop and breath. I realize that go to the drink or have ordinary meeting is the same that if you go to the date. It was me and one, and we have fun together and drink and talk. Each meeting is the same, here is only my position that I look who is one, who is in opposite direction that I meet with, is person that I like it or only have friends. I commit myself that each meeting is date or normal/ordinary meeting, because is the same, there no difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare meet with men in real life but on web I can talk with. When and as I see myself to scare meet with men in real life but on web I can talk with, I stop and breath. I realize that I have a lot of courage on web, but not so much in real life. But here is one point too. With this men who ask me to meet with often don't chat about everyday topic, they talk about sex and so one. I don't need and don't look for that kind of person that I can't talk with him. I commit myself that I don't worry what is wrong with me if I don't want meet with person that don't talk with me about real life topic, not only about sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses why I can't meet with men. When and as I see myself to look for excuses why I can't meet with men, I stop and breath. I realize that it's my life and my decision and if I don't want to meet with person, I don't need to meet with this person. I commit myself that I respect myself and if I say no, it must be enough, I not need look for excuses why not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like one abuse me when I allow him be intimate with me. When and as I see myself to feel like one abuse me when I allow him be intimate with me, I stop and breath. I realize that I made mistake when I meet with one. I say one yes, so here is no abuse, but I feel like someone hurt me. That moment only lie on the floor in the blanket and one do all. I know that this is my problem, my decision. I commit myself that I forgive one what one do to me in this happening and know that my word is my permission/contract with other.

Day 89: Painful knees 1

In past blog I start writing about painful knees. Today I write more about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need someone to be with. When and as I see myself to think that I need someone to be with, I stop and breath. I realize that I this someone to be with is myself. Be with myself is most important, because no need other people around. I commit myself to know that only person to be with is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that be together with someone is the best way, because I don't be alone and all the time I can talk with someone. When and as I see myself to think that be together with someone is the best way, because I don't be alone and all the time I can talk with someone, I stop and breath. I realize that couple aren't together all the time and when are together they don't talk with each other often. Some coupe are together but they don't speak with each other and they feel more lonely than single people. I commit myself that I'm happy and accepted what I have and I try be best that I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that single people are less than couple. When and as I see myself to think that single people are less than couple, I stop and breath. I realize that all people are the same, single or in relation. Single people only think that they be better if they be in relationship, but people in relationship know, that be in relation is not so easy that look like. I commit myself that I know, that I'm equal than people in relationships, because I'm person like other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'm less because I don't have family and children in my age. When and as I see myself to think that I'm less because I don't have family and children in my age, I stop and breath. I realize that being mother and wife are not so easy and women need be strong, stable, have money and want to have family. When couple have child is their choice. Some women have child at 16, 18, 20, but other at 28, 30, 35, 40. Being old or young is only number and this is only one point why they have family. I commit myself that I know, that I have only 30 years and I have a lot of time for partner and children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know what I want from my partner, but now I see that I don't have any clue. When and as I see myself to think that I know what I want from my partner, but now I see that I don't have a clue, I stop and breath. I realize that I want partner who want a children, we can talk with each other, we are equal in our relationship. I commit myself that I look for what I want in relationships and look this on my future partner and became myself what I look for in other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that be with someone is easier than be single. When and as I see myself to think that be with someone is easier than be single, I stop and breath. I realize that being single mean more time for myself, I can go where and when I want and do what I want. I not need to ask anybody for permission to go out or in some place. I commit myself that know that it easier be single, that with someone, because if you with someone is more conversation.

Day 88: Painful knees

Soon will be 2 years since 1 m (1 m is equivalent to 1.0936 yards, or 39.370 inches) tall wood fall in my right knee. This hurt me a few months and since then hurt me only when I must squat down and I was tired (my leg was tired, I walk a lot). But 6 months ago start hurts me both knees when I go up and down on the stairs. It was too much for me so I buy bandage for knee. It help me, but not for long time. So I talk with someone who tell me, that knee is in relation to feeling lonely and how I approach relationships with men, then this person tell me that if I look at the point of falling on the knee at that time - it was linked to the feeling of falling into despair and loneliness and later these are the points that will take me into mine depression and cause I to ‘fall on my knees’ as an expression that means me are giving into depression or falling down. This person recommendation me go to the doctor if might be inflammation and doctor take me a pills, because I might want to get an anti-inflammatory from the pharmacy to help bring down the inflammation - because if one does not sort out the inflammation it can make the problem worse. And I go to the doctor and it was inflammation, doctor take me a pills and in beginning was better, but after few days anymore. I feel some kind of pain in my knees, but not the same than before.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely because I don't have friends, I don't have relationship and I think that my parents don't like me. When and as I see myself to feel lonely because I don't have friends, I don't have relationship and I think that my parents don't like me, I stop and breath. I realize that I have friends, but not close to me and I can't visit it every moment that I need chat. I'm single, I'm not in relationship with no one include myself. And I think that my parents don't like me, because they told me a think that hurt me. I know that they want me all the best, but if they say me that I'm fat, they do, that I eat more not less. I commit myself that when I feel lonely, I know, that I have friends, my parents like me and I'm in relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can't help myself and be in relationship with myself, be alone but not lonely. When and as I see myself to think that I can't help myself and be in relationship with myself, be alone but not lonely, I stop and breath. I realize that the most important relationship is relationship with myself. Only me can support myself in best way, only me can see my problems and only me know what is in my mind and what I feel about different things. The best support is when I support myself, when I do the best for my body, myself and all around me. When I see when I do mistake and correct it. When I see problem and correct myself and my attitude to this problem and find solution. I'm my the best buddy and the best support. I commit myself to be in relationship with myself, support myself and do right thing for me, my body and people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that be in relationship with myself is big deal. When and as I see myself to think, that be in relationship with myself is big deal, I stop and breath. I realize that my problem with breathing and squeezing in my chest are only because I realize how big point is going in relationship with myself. Since now I must support myself all the time. And this is big step in my process. I commit myself that I be supportive to myself and know, that this is only small step in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need men to be in relationship with. When and as I see myself to think that I need men to be in relationship with, I stop and breath. I realize that in the same time I know, that I can't be in relationship, but in other way I want family, men and children. I commit myself that I'm stable person and after that I start thinking about partnership and family.

Day 87: Bad mood or depression 13

In last days, weeks and months that I write this blogs about bad mood or depression I realize, that I'm better, not so much in bad mood or depression. So I decide, that this is the last blog in this series and net time I start about my hurting knees, what is so close with bad mood.
Now I see, that I become depressed when I don't know what to do, all go wrong, I don't see any positive point in my life and my parents want something from me all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I don't know what to do. When and as I see myself to think that I don't know what to do, I stop and breath. I realize that if I want to doing, that I can see what to do each moment in my life. In other way, where is difference between work and play and why older people don't play, only work? So when I say that I play, I work and when I say that I work, I play. I commit myself that I see work each moment and don't look for excuses to not to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that work is work and play is play and play is for children and work is for adults. When and as I see myself to think that work is work and play is play and play is for children and work is for adults, I stop and breath. I realize that children see all work like a play and adults see all play like a work. But where is line between work and play? Maybe because work is something that do for money, because we must to do, we are serious when we do work. But when we play we are happy, we don't need to do, we enjoy in it. I commit myself that I enjoy in my work and play seriously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that all go wrong. When and as I see myself to think that all go wrong, I stop and breath. I realize that never go all wrong and this is only my perception, because I see this in that way. In real it goes how I prepare and what I do for it. I commit myself that I know, see when is really go all wrong and when I only I think that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not to see any positive point in my life. When and as I see myself to not to see any positive point in my life, I stop and breath. I realize that I don't need see positive point in my life, only I must see real things in my life and breath and live. I don't need some big goal in my life, I can live each moment and enjoy in it. I commit myself that I do what I can do and don't look for positive energy, because life is not energy, is being, breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that parents wand something from me all the time. When and as I see myself to think that parents want something from me all the time, I stop and breath. I realize that if I see what I must to do, then they don't tell me what I must to do, because I done before they tell me what I must to do. I live with my parents. I commit myself that I see what I must to do in our house and done before they tell me what I must to do.

Day 86: Bad mood or depression 12

In blog 85 I writing about loneliness and in this blog I write more about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see loneliness when I am alone and no one don't want talk or be with me. When and as I see myself to see loneliness when I'm alone and no one don't want talk or be with me, I stop and breath. I realize that be alone and feel lonely is not the same. In primary and secondary school I was all the time alone, but not lonely, but now I feel lonely and I have friends and talk with other people on web. Where is line between be alone and feel lonely? Why we feel lonely when people are around us? Why I don't see answer in first moment? I don't know how to live, I don't know how to be alone and not lonely. Is be in this moment enough? Is breathing enough? I think it is. So I start to breath and be in this moment, know that when person be with self don't be alone and see something for doing and move myself. I commit myself to be in this moment, breath and doing something, anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely when I see people in couple or in groups. When and as I see myself to feel lonely when I see people in couple or in groups, I stop and breath. I realize that be alone not mean be lonely, because you can feel loneliness in group. If I like myself, I love myself, my body, me, I can be me. Then I be fine alone or in couple or in group, in each moment with all people or alone. I commit myself that I like myself, my body, my all and become me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that be single is less than be in couple, have partner. When I see myself to think that be single is less than be in couple, have partner, I stop and breath.I realize that person are person and there no difference between single or to be involved with someone. Each person are equal, single or not. I commit myself to know that I'm worth the same than other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that no one like me. When and as I see myself to think that no one like me, I stop and breath. I realize that I don't need that someone or anyone like me, if I love/like myself. When I love/like myself then other people like me too. I commit myself that I when I start thinking about how no one like me, I ask myself what I need and what I want in this moment and give it myself.

Day 85: Bad mood or depression 11

In blog 76 I wrote: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I want to die because I collapsed because I don't pass exam. When and as I see myself to think that I want to die because I collapsed because I don't pass exam, I stop and breath. I realize that I start more often talk about death after collapse, so I think is this connected. I think that I don't scare to die, because I realize I can die in this moment, so I start exploit this word for search for attention. I commit myself to breath before I want to say that I want to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for attention. When and as I see myself to search for attention, I stop and breath. I realize that I can give myself attention when  I realize why I need this attention. The most often is because I don't know what to do and look around for chat and so on. I commit myself that I see problem and give attention myself before I look for it and become in bad mood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely and because it I look for attention. When and as I see myself to feel lonely and because it I look for attention, I stop and breath. I realize that I feel lonely because I don't see only person with who I can be all the time. This is me, myself. Only me can be with myself all the time. So loneliness is not that I'm alone, but I don't be with myself because I don't know what to do. I commit myself that I can take attention to myself and don't feel loneliness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely when I with resistance say yes for help other or go with them. When and as I see myself to feel lonely when I with resistance say yes for help other or go with them, I stop and breath. I realize that if I go somewhere with resistance I'm not there, I want to go away, I want run away, I'm alone. If I go in the same place because I want I feel in group, I help because I want to help. I feel that I'm not alone. I commit myself that I go with other because I want to go, not because I need to go and I must feel with other that I'm not alone, they want to be with me, so I must be with them.