Day 98: More or less

Me, you, they. Who is better and who is the worst? Who is more and who is less? We are all people. But I see older people who more important than me, because they have more knowledge than me and because teach me, when I was young, that I must respect older people and address formally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that respect older people mean that I think that older people are more than me, so I must believe them, say them that they have always right and talk nice with them. When and as I see myself think that respect older people mean that I think that older people are more than me, so I must believe them, say them that they have always right and talk nice with them, I stop and breath. I realize that respect older people is the same than respect younger people or people with same age than me. Respect are talk with other like I want they talk with me, be nice to them, help them, but not too much, I must stay me. Not be under or above other people, be in the same level with them. I commit myself that I respect people to see them like a person and behave to them like I want to they behave to me and if they want teach me how I must behave to them, I stop and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my parents teach me how to behave to other people in modern way, but I see a lots of old school mentality in their teaching.When and as I see myself to think that my parents teach me how to behave to other people in modern way, but I see a lots of old school mentality in their teaching, I stop and breath. I realize that there are a lots of old school mentality in country side and this is don't work anymore. I address formally people that I see first time and they older than me. If I see person with my age I don't be polite, like my parents say and address them formally, but I talk with them like someone that I know them. I like if I don't need be so polite, I want be myself and see all people the same than me, but this is not OK for people with old school mentality. But I can be polite without addressing people formally. I commit myself that I see what other people want and if they say that they want be addressed formally, I addressed them formally, but for other people I use polite words, but I see and talk like person like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people who stay to look like bigger than they are, that they want to look like more important/better/more/superior like me. When and as I see myself to think that people who stay and look like bigger than they are, that they want to look like more important/better/more/superior like me, I stop and breath. I realize that I see this move, I see that they do this if they do or not. This move is only in my mind, because I see this move in my childhood often and they want tell me, that I must listen them. So I see now this move and think that they want be better than me, they want that I see their superior. And in that moment I see myself inferior and I react, because I don't want be less than other. I begin with louder voice, I want to fight, I want be the same than other people. I commit myself that if I see that other people look like bigger than they are, I don't react, but I breath and realize, that they don't want be superior and see me inferior, but they want be like me, so I must talk with them like a people who is the same than me.

Day 97: Support myself

Each person need someone to be with. But firstly each person must be good for them-self. Last weeks I'm alone. I can rely on only in myself. I see that I'm so important person for myself that I can live alone and help myself in tough moment. I see that breath is so important and each moment of my life I can live, be here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared because I stay alone and I don't know if I can go forward in my process. When and as I see myself to be scared because I stay alone and I don't know if I can go forward in my process, I stop and breath. I realize that I was alone all the time. Yes, people around me help me, but I must walk my process alone. I live my life like before, but now I must rely really on myself and believe myself that my path is correct. I commit myself that I believe in myself all the time and know that I can do all in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need someone to be with me and support me. When and as I see myself to think that I need someone to be with me and support me, I stop and breath. I realize that it is nice to be with someone who support me, but when is the toughest time for me, I must be strong and go alone trough this time. If someone support me is not mean that I'm weak, but it easier and other person told you something that you don't see. I commit myself that I work on myself  because only me can change myself if someone support me or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that be alone is not supportive for myself. When and as I see myself to think that be alone is not supportive for myself, I stop and breath. I realize that if I'm alone or with someone is the same supportive. Love myself and be supportive for myself is not the same, but if I don't love myself, can't be supportive to myself and if I'm not supportive to myself I can't love myself. So I must work on myself and see myself in real, who I am and what I am and what I want to be and live my life and words that I want live and became person. I commit myself that I support myself, love myself and be who I want to be, person.

Day 96: Like a baby

A few days ago I post on Facebook picture where I lie in bed and dink water from bottle. I lie in some position that I see in front my eyes a a few years old baby who have bottle and drink from it. In that moment I feel some feeling and I feel like this baby that I see. I'm feel like a baby. This feeling was nice, comfortable, tender, loved, accepted, all positive emotions. Over the day I think about this emotions, because someone tell me that is good for looking it, and when I think about them, I remember word child. So this emotions I remember from my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I know only negative feelings. When and as I see myself to think that I know only negative feelings, I stop and breath. I realize that I know negative feelings and positive emotions, but I have prefer feelings, negativity. I commit myself that I research feeling and emotions and then know what I know and what don't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare feel good when I think on baby who drink from the bottle and I do the same. When and as I see myself to scare feel good when I think on baby who drink from the bottle and I do the same, I stop and breath. I realize that I feel good because I remember this emotions from my early ages, when I was single child and my parents take me all time that they have. This was before my age 4, because after this age I have some memory, but there is no anymore good feelings. I commit myself to in same situation research feelings and emotions and know, that this is mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this emotions that I feel in that moment isn't mine, because I think on the other child who enjoy in bed where drink from bottle. When and as I see myself to think that this emotions that I feel in that moment isn't mine, because I honk on the other child who enjoy in bed where dink from bottle, I stop and breath. I realize that I really see other child in my mind, but emotions are mine. In this child in my mind I see myself, I feel forgotten emotions from my childhood and after I start thinking about it, I see this. I commit myself that see my real feelings and emotions in other people if is some reaction in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare and don't see emotions because I think I never felt it. When and as I see myself to scare and don't see emotions because I think I never felt it, I stop and breath, I realize that I felt emotions, but I don't remember it, because I feel better in negative feelings. I feel emotions now too, but not so strong that negative feelings. I commit myself that I feel emotions without scare.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want to fast grow up when I was young, because older people have more positive emotions, but now, when I grown, I scare to be grown, because I feel only negative feelings and I want be young again. When and as I see myself to want to fast grow up when I was young, because older people have more positive emotions, but now, when I grown, I scare to be grown, because I feel only negative feelings and I want to be young again, I stop and breath. I realize that I want be someone who I'm not. I looking for feelings and emotions on incorrect way. I know, that I can feel what I need all the time, but better for me is, if I don't have too much feelings and emotions and only be, breath and live. I commit myself that I don't look around for feelings and emotions, because I have all in myself, so I must only look in myself.

Day 95: The same age

I react to the people, who told me that I'm child, something less, but they are have their own children in the same age like I have now. I ask myself why I am less, because I don't have yob, child and family, than they with yob, children and family in the same age? Where are difference between me and them? I know that I'm younger than them, but they are younger to their parents and a lots of people.

People are the equal from birth to death, but for our parents we are child all life. And no, this is not good, not for parents and not for children. Parent feel that they more, they are superior, and children feel less, inferior. Yes, is good that you respect your parents, but if they told you child all life is something wrong. But where is problem and who must solve this. I see people around me, who are older, that they see me like 10 years old child, who need them that they help me. Yes, it's maybe problem, because I'm single and don't have proper yob, but 30 years ago was different opportunity and young people can find yob sooner than now. When I look them I see that they seen me like a child, who need help. And They don't trust me because I live at home. But in the same time I don't want be with them, because only they have right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less, inferior next to older people who want be more important. When and as I see myself to feel less, inferior next to older people, who wants be more important, I stop and breath. I realize that they see how old I am, and they want be young again, so they feel superior because they so older than me, and they want to show how important they are. I commit myself that when I feel less, I breath and know, that this is their problem, not mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on a words child, kid, rascal and other similar and more aggressive and negative words that they call me with. When and as I see myself that I react on a words child, kid, rascal and other similar and more aggressive and negative words that they call me with, I stop and breath. I realize that I really see myself in this theirs words. But I'm not what they say that I am. I'm what I feel and I know I am. I'm person, who have 30 years, live in house with parents and help them. My mum live with her family in my grandma house too. So where is problem where lives who. Is problem that I don't have yob? Or maybe I don't have "yob" on my mum's and other people definition. I can't know what is their definition of yob, so I must define mine definition of yob and live this word. I commit myself that I know who I am and don't react what other people say who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, that they behave to me like I'm 10 years old, because I'm single and don't have yob and family. When and as I see myself to think, that they behave to me like I'm 10 years old, because I'm single and don't have yob and family, I stop and breath. I realize that what they think about me is their problem, not mine. I live the best than I can. If I'm single is mine problem, not theirs, and have yob and family is mine too. I know, that I don't help them with money, but time is money. I take them a lot of time. I commit myself that I know what and who I am and if they behave to me like I have 10 I know, that this is their problem and I only breath and don't react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on their words with they want insult me. When and as I see myself to react on their words with they want insult me, I stop and breath. I realize that they say to me this kind of words because they don't know how in the other way insult me, because I have correct, but because I'm younger I can't have right, so this attack with insult words is their defense. They are some older people who think, that younger people than they can't have correct and they do what they can to prove their right. I commit myself that I see when people want insult me and then I step back and don't argue with them, because they have always correct.

Day 94: Why is this happen to me?

It's free day and I sleep in my bed. It's noise around me, so I don't sleep, but I want. So once I wake up and remind that I have chat. I look in my portable device and see that I have message there, but person are not on. It's panic time. I write in message sorry for late because I slept so many time, but I don't fell better. But I late less than half of hour. I wait her and hope that come back. But she is not came. I wait hour. It's the same. So I become nervous. I'm not late, ok, I was late, but not so much. So time go on. It was time for eat. And I cant eat. I go out, but soon came back. I was nervous and bad mood. Why is this happen to me today? Why? So I on my notebook and I get message from her, that is ok, that this is can happen each person. I feel better now. I remember that I often dream that I was late. I must do this and that and in the end I stay at home or I'm so late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less, because I'm late. When and as I see myself that I feel less, because I'm late, I stop and breath. I realize that each person are sometimes late, because a lot of reasons. But for me is some reasons forgivable, but other not. If person late because asleep, accident in the way, is ok, but if late, because they don't want go there or because is be better at home is not forgivable. I commit myself that I accept if I late sometimes and don't feel less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to became panic, because person that I have chat with is off. When and as I see myself to become panic, because person that I have chat with is off, I stop and breath. I realize that we have chat weekly, and if we don't chat this week, we chat next, or we chat on e-mail if something is so important. So be in panic is not need. I commit myself that I think, before react and if not need to react I go forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become panic, because I be late to turn exam to the professor and I run after him and turn exam him last moment. When and as I see myself to become panic, because I be late to turn exam to the professor and I run after him and turn exam him last moment, I stop and breath. I realize that each person/student have enough time for finish exam and if don't know enough is not enough time and you look and don't finish in time. I commit myself that I look in watch how much time I have and turn exam a minute before is over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous because she don't come back in web. When and ans I see myself to be nervous because she don't come back in web, I stop and breath. I realize that she has her life and she don't have time only for me. So I must be on time and if I late, I have next chance next week. So simple. I don't need be nervous, I must breath and live my life in this moment. I commit myself if I'm nervous, I calm myself and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'm not person who late and because I'm late this time I hate myself. When and as I see myself to think that I'm not person who late and because I'm late this time I hate myself, I stop and breath. I realize that I not need hate myself, because I see myself like person who don't late. I'm like other person and I'm late too. I commit myself that I don't judge myself and say myself that I hate myself because I late one not life important chat.

Day 93: Painful knees 5

That day the wood fell in my knee I don't want go to help him, but I go anyway. I help him, but I work slowly. This was too much for me, because I don't want work at that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be there and work what I don't want in that moment. When and as I see myself to be there and work what I don't want in that moment, I stop and breath. I realize that work must be done if I want to do or not. Be in nature and help other person is not hard work, but if I don't want to work, I thinking how to avoid to work. I commit myself that I do what must be done at home if I want or not and not thinking how avoid to work, because I think too much I hurt myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too much how avoid to work. When and as I see myself to think too much how avoid to work, I stop and breath. I realize that I must stop thinking so much all the time and start doing. If I think one thing and do other I hurt myself and I was so tired. So I can think only what and how to do. I commit myself that I breath more and thinking less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to help other or work. When and as I see myself to force myself to help other or work, I stop and breath. I realize that I'm so lazy and I don't see what I must to do for better life in family. I hear too much time, that I don't do correct, so I don't do anything other only what I must to do. I commit myself that I see more what must be done and do that.

Day 92: Painful knees 4

I believe that I need someone to live with. I wish be wife and mother. But I realize that I can't be this in this moment, because I only wish. I'm not prepare to be. I don't be life, I'm person who want, need someone next to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need someone next to me. When and as I see myself to think that I need someone next to me, I stop and breath. I realize that This someone is me. I?m all the time next to myself. I'm this someone. I can support myself. I can be all what I need. I am what I need. I commit myself that I know that I am that someone next to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want someone next to me. When and as I see myself to want someone next to me, I stop and breath. I realize that I have only wish. And wish is in my mind, my imagination. I can wist world peace, be different than I am now and a lot of other things. But some things can actualize, other not. And my wish about to be someone next to me is real, because, all the time is someone next to me. This person are myself. I commit myself that I'm not looking for someone to be next to me, I must only know that this person is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want be a mother and wife. When and as I see myself to want be a mother and wife, I stop and breath. I realize that I'm life. I can be mother because I have uterus. And this is all. I can be mother, parent. But why? I want someone to be with, to care, to teach, to love. I want someone who need me. I'm see that I'm so egoistic. Having child is not wish. Is a process. Child is a person, life. And when I have stable, then I can have child if my partner want too. Child is responsibility for two person, two partners. And child is not mine. Child is little person and all community teach and care for this person. I commit myself to know, that child is person, life and responsibility for two person or more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need partner to be together and partner like me, love me, care of me. When and as I see myself that I believe that I need partner to be together and partner like me, love me, care of me, I stop and breath. I realize that I live in family where parents love me. They put me all what I need and I think that I'm not good enough to put myself what I need, because I don't have proper job. So I need someone who take me money and what I need, but if I try hard I have enough for life and more. So I must take responsibility and do all for earn money for myself. I commit myself that I do all to do myself what I need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm alone all life and no one like me. When and as I see myself to believe that I'm alone all life and no one like me, I stop and breath. I realize that I don't like myself, because I'm all the time with myself. But I don't see that, because I look for other people, other mind, energy from other people. I'm so egoistic and look only on myself and my good feeling. I commit myself that I be with myself, do all what I want, and what I must to do to start like and love myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so egoistic and see only myself and what I want and need. When and as I see myself to be so egoistic and see only myself and what I want and need, I stop and breath. I realize that I'm only person like other. I'm not lees or more than other, because we all are the same. I want be loved, but I can love myself. I want money, and I can earn it. I want someone to be together for talk, live, walk, love, but I don't see, that I can all give to myself. I don't see what I am and what I have, only what I need and want and what must other people give me. I can live alone, I can love myself, I can write, I can go alone to walk or vacation. I am and I have all what I want and need. I commit myself that I'm in this moment, physically active and breath.