Day 80: Bad mood or depression 6

In blog 76 I wrote:

When and as I see myself that I do exam/school because my parents be happy and proud on me, I stop and breath. I realize that I study because of me not because of my parents. Each parent want that be their child be good in school and find job. I commit myself that I study because I need this, not because made my parents happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be good in school if I want my parents like me and be proud on me. When and as I see myself to believing that I must be good in school if I want my parents like me and be proud on me, I stop and breath. I realize that firstly I must be proud on myself if I want to other see me or like me, because people see how I like myself and if they see, that I hate myself, they don't want see or listening me, not other people not my parents. I commit myself that I believe in myself and be proud on myself whatever I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'm not good enough and I can't finish any school and can't find job or find customers. When and as I see myself to thinking that I'm not good enough and I can't finish any school and can't find a job or find customers, I stop and breath. I realize that I finish two (primary and secondary) schools and I learn all my life, not really in school, but at home, whatever I want and interested for. All learning is learning if you have paper or not. Maybe you know more if you learn alone, at home, because you want to learn, not need to know. For find job or customers I only need to say myself, I do this and made what I need to do. I commit myself that I know, that I learn all my life in school or out of school and if I need something I must to decide to do and done that.

Day 79: Bad mood or depression 5

In blog Day 76 I wrote:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that 8 years of study is too much. When and as I see myself to think that 8 years of study is too much, I stop and breath. I realize that people learn all life and few years in the same school is no such problem. All is in my mind and when I want finish any school I go there and I finish, but now I don't prepare for finish it. I can't finish this school, but I can done some similar school. I commit myself that I finish some school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can study in one school less that 6 years and then I start to boring myself. When and as I see myself to believe that I can study on one school less than 6 years and then I start boring myself, I stop and breath. I realize that If you study one, four or ten years in the same school is the same, each exam is different and for each I must learn. In one school I going almost 30 years and don't see final exam. This school is life. We all learn all the life, each day. So being in the same school more that 6 years is not so big deal. I commit myself that I believe that study is all life, not only when you go to the school or you have home schooling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I change my interests so fast in seven years, because that I don't finish my university. When and as I see myself to think that I change my interests so fast in seven years, because that I don't finish my university, I stop and breath. I realize that I know a lot, because my parents want to know all in our farm, because all sometimes need to know. So I learn at home fast and each day something new. In school all go so slow and in the end we have exam and I must learning for it. But learning is to boring for me, because I don't want do this. In the end I don't change interests fast, but I want more. I commit myself that I know that you must learn if you want something to know, but learn is sometimes in school in easy way or in real life in hard way and better is learning in easy way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must be good in school for my parents because they be proud on me. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that I must be good in school for my parents because they be proud on me, I stop and breath. I realizing that all the life I learn and want to be good in school because I want that my parents see how smart I am and they hug me and tell me this. In second grade primary school because I'm not excellent (A) but very good (B), they show me, that I'm not good enough, so I tried all this years to demonstrate that I'm good enough and they can be proud on me. I commit myself that I lean for myself not because I want to demonstrate other how good I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm not good enough because I don't finish school. When and as I see myself to believe that I'm not good enough because I don't finish school, I stop and breath. I realize that I want finish because other people want that I finish and be the best and find a good yob and so on, but in real I don't want this. Because I'm not good enough I blame myself and go in bad mood or depression and each day is worst and worst and I don't see point of living and I want to die. When I thinking what I can change in my life I see something good in my life, but in real I only want that my parents see that I'm not stupid and I can do, but in the same time I'm tired to show my parents what I can, but in real I don't want that. I commit myself that I see what I want and do this and be the best because myself not because I must show other people how good I am.

Day 78: Bad mood or depression 4

In blog Day 76 I wrote:

When and as I see myself to think that I don't have life and I'm tired because I care in my grandma and help at home, I stop and breath. I realize that if I want I have life, because if I don't have time for myself this don't mean that I don't have life, only that I don't know what the life is and how live my life. Now I know that living is being in this moment and you can be in all the time, when you work or walk. I commit myself that I live my life each moment and not complain about things that I can't change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that other people are guilty for my bad mood. When and as I see myself think that other people are guilty for my bad mood, I stop and breath. I realize that all what happen to me is because my decision. No one put "a pistol" on my head and say what I must to do, I decide what I do and for what I do that. I am old enough and responsible for what I done, good or bad. I commit myself to accept my decision and if I do something wrong I admit that myself and other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse my ill/sick grandma and her busy daughter that I don't have time and life because them. When and as I see myself to accuse my ill/sick grandma and her busy daughter that I don't have time and life because them, I stop and breath. I realize that I decide that I took over my grandma because she can't walk and she have dementia, so I care for her. Yes, I don't go out because I took over, but this is only my decide. But this can't be my excuse. I commit myself to know/realize that only I can be guilty for that I do or not to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to/prefer be in reaction and don't realize that I breath and how I breath and don't be in this moment. When and as I see myself to want to/prefer be in reaction and don't realize that I breath and how I breath and don't be in this moment, I stop and breath. I realize that I live my life when I do what I want, but in the same time I don't damaging for other or myself. This is not so easy if I'm not stable, when I'm in reaction and in that moment I don't see what is going around me and don't see world only my imagination. In that moment I often go in bad mood in depression. I commit myself that I'm be stable and realize world around me, because in that moment I realize my breath and I don't became bad mood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I can't be in this moment if I work or walk or doing something. When and as I see myself to thinking/believing/perceiving that I can't be in this moment if I work or walk or doing something, I stop and breath. I realize that I can be in moment every moment in my life and realize my breathing and my body and realize myself. If I'm in that moment each moment I can't thinking and I can't be in bad mood. I commit myself that I realize myself in each moment and when I don't be in moment I start breathing and count, because counting help me to stop my mind when I have busy mind.

Day 77: Bad mood or depression 3

Last time I wrote:  
I realize that know and think that I know is so different. If you know you know and if you think that you know, you don't know. In this time education is important and if person have a lot of schools think that have job faster, but not here. Here are if you have too much schools you can't find job because it, but if you don't have you don't find, because you don't know enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that I do exam if I learn enough or not. When and as I see myself hope that I do exam if I learn enough or not, I stop and breath. I realize that only when I sit down and start learning and learn myself bring results. Hope is the most used word when you can't do or don't want to do something. But hope don't do anything if you don't do physically with you body. Learn is physically work too. I commit myself that if I must to do something I don't hope, I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I find job faster if I have university than if I have only secondary school. When and as I see myself to think that I find job faster if I have university than if I have only secondary school, I stop and breath. I realize that I find yob in both case if I look for job. If I be at home and sleep, none bring me job. In this time it's tough find a yob, but yobs are. If I want to find it, I find it. I commit myself that I look for job no only talk that I don't have job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that job came to me. When and as I see myself think that job came to me, I stop and breath. I realize that if I don't step first step and start walk and look for yob, none came to me and take me a yob. I commit myself that I move myself and look for job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if you have job, you have money. When and as I see myself to think that if you have job, you have money, I stop and breath. I realize that now you have job, but you don't have money, or you don't have job and you have money. You must know what to do, that you have enough for survive. But now I don't have enough for live and survive and I'm glad that I live in my parents house. I commit myself that I know that you must work a lot for money of be unfair.

Day 76: Bad mood or depression 2

I remember that I want to die last 3 years since I collapsed and I don't breath a few second. Since there I know that now I live and next second I can be death. So I don't scare death, but I can't kill or hurt myself. I collapsed one or two months after I'm failure my school in university. I know that I collapse because I was so mentally broke.

Days, weeks and months before last exam, that I don't do it, I don't want learn for it, because I think that I know enough. I was tired and I hate all, because I think that I don't have life, because I help care on my grandma, go to the university and do what my parents want to. I was go to the university 8 years, too much for me. In real I think that I don't want to do this exam, but in same time I want do exam because my parents. I remember that professor say to me when it's all over, that I'm smart and some day will be something from me. I was angry on professors that they say to me that I don't pass exam. In this moment all fall off. A month latter I collapsed and since there I have a lots of moment when I say I want to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I know enough, because I do exame so many times. When and as I see myself to think that I know enough, because I do exame so many times, I stop and breath. I realize that know and think that I know is so different. If you know you know and if you think that you know, you don't know. In this time education is important and if person have a lot of schools think that have job faster, but not here. Here are if you have too much scholls you can't find job because it, but if you don't have you don't find, because you don't know enough. I commit myself that I study since I know that I know, not only I think I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I don't have live and I'm tired because I care on my grandma and help at home. When and as I see myself to think that I don't have live and I'm tired because I care in my grandma and help at home, I stop and breath. I realize that if I want I have life, because if I don't have time for myself this don't mean that I don't have life, only that I don't know what the life is and how live my life. Now I know that living is being in this moment and you can be in all the time, when you work or walk. I commit myself that I live my life each moment and not complane about things that I can't change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that 8 years of study is too much. When and as I see myself to think that 8 years of study is too much, I stop and breath. I realize that people learn all life and few years in the same school is no such problem. All is in my mind and when I want finish any school I go there and I finish, but now I don't prepare for finish it. I can't finist this school, but I can done some similar school. I commit myself that I finish some school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do exam/school because my parents be happy and proud on me. When and as I see myself that I do exam/school because my parents be happy and proud on me, I stop and breath. I realize that I study because of me not because of my parents. Each parent want that be their child be good in school and find job. I commit myself that I study because I need this, not because made my parents happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry on profesors because they say that I don't know enough and I don't pass exam. When and as I see myself to be angry on profesors because they say that I don't know enough and I don't pass exam, I stop and breath. I realize that profesors tell me because I don't learn enough and I don't know what they ask me. This is only my problem. I commit myself that I be selfresponsability and if I don't know somethink I admit this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I want to die because I collapsed because I don't pass exam. When and as I see myself to think that I want to die because I collapsed because I don't pass exam, I stop and breath. I realize that I start more often talk about death after collapse, so I think is this conected. I think that I don't scare to die, because I realize I can die in this moment, so I start exploit this word for search for attention. I commit myself to breath before I want to say that I want to die.

Day 75: Bad mood or depression 1

My last days are tough days. I think about death again. But today I must to work. I have holidays mood and I bake and decorate. When I do physically work I feel good, but when I calm down and start watch TV or go on computer I go in bad mood again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about my bad mood when I have too much time. When and as I see myself to think about my bad mood when I have too much time, I stop and breath. I realize that I must breath when I have bad time and stop thinking how bad I am and how awful day is. I commit myself that I more breath when have bad days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too much about death and that I'm without work again. When and as I see myself to think to much about death and that I'm without work again, I stop and breath. I realize that thinking about bad things bing me bad things and I go deep in bad mood and depression. But when I'm in bad mood I can't think about good things, because I don't see good things around me. The best solution is physically work and breath. I commit myself that I start work somethink with my arms and breath.

I forgive myself that I don't have accepted and allowed myself to work more when I'm in bad mood. When and as I see myself that I'm in bad mood and I don't work, I stop and breath. I realize that physically wok help for bad mood and heal depression. It works for me. But I must know, that if I work, I must only work and breath and don't thinking too much. When I work I must think only what I work and nothing else. I commit myself that when I'm in bad mood I start whit physically work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start think about bad things when I finish with my work and I go in bad mood again. When and as I see myself to start think about bad things when I finish with my work and I go in bad mood again, I stop and breath. I realize that when I wok, I forgive about bad things, but when I calm myself and go watch TV or go on computer I became bad mood or depressed again. I know that I feel something in myself all the day, but when I work I fogive on it, but when I don't work anymore I remember on it and feel it. I know that I can go over this feeling, but I know that I must find beginning somewere deep inside me. I commit myself that I breath and work and don't think about my bad feelings so much.

Continue in next blogs.

Day 74: I'm incompetent

In this days I go somewhere to learn for work, but today I think that I came back, they call me that I don't need to comeback, because I'm not to good enough for this work. I must to say that I never work this. But anywayI feel that I'm incompetent. Whaever I want to do go wrong and I hate myself. I want to work, because I don't have money that I need. But if I make mistake I don't want money, because it's my mistake and I don't wnant that other people pay me for this. I have less that I can have. But in other way is this only way. I know that I must ask my parents for help. I think that I close my bussines and stop living, because I don't see myself in future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I'm incompetent, because I don't have job and money. When and as I see myself to feel that I'm incompetent, because I don't have yob and money, I stop and breath. I realize that I'm capable for a lot of things, but I'm too lazy for work and talk with other people, and sell them what I do and sell them myself. I commit myself that I know that I can do what I want and money and job is not importat for be capable or incapable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with other people. When and as I see myself to compare myself with other people, I stop and breath. I realize that I'm unique and I can't compare with other people. Someone know less, someone more, someone do from hart, oter, because they need to do. I commit myself that I be unique and see myself like this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I don't know what I want to do. When and as I see myself to think that I don't know what I want to do, I stop and breath. I realize that I try to do a lot of things but in all things I'm not enough sucess to start learn money with it. Sometimes I scare to be sucess and I don't want to try and work hard for sucess. I scare be happy and have enough money. I'm scare be myself. I don't want money but I need it. I'm mess. I commit myself that I decide what I want in my life in try to be sucess in my job/work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do too much things to be sucess in my life. When and as I see myself to think that I do too much things to be sucess in my life, I stop and breath. I realize that I can do a lot od things in my life and be sucess, because I do all what I want to do the best. But now I'm only try to do. I'm not the best with what I do, so I must to decide what I want. Only know a lot and be like now, or try more and be better than now. I commit myself to be better me and do all what I want to do with hart and do the best.

I forgive myself that I don't have accepted and allowed myself to see myself how good I am and what I can do. When and as I don't see myself how good I am and what I can do, I stop and breath. I realize that I'm person and I'm the best person in my life, this I am. You are the best person for you, but I'm the best person for myself and I must be happy because I am, because I live, I breath, I can help other people. I commit myself that I see the best in myself.