Day 91: Painful knees 3

Sexual relation, intimacy, sex. When one go with other in bed and have sex? Is there love, sexual attraction, agreement, friendship between that two person? How is in my case?
I always think that I not need to be in love to have sex with someone. But I see, that person that i go with in bed must attraction me. But since I have bad experience with man I don't have sex so often, because I scare what they do to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I not need be in love to have sex with men. When and as I see myself to think that I not need be in love to have sex with men, I stop and breath. I realize that really not need be in love to have sex, but it's better that you in relation with this person. There are a lot of illness, infidelity and if you sex with all, you don't do that is best for all. I commit myself that I have sex if I'm in relationship with this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that man must only attract me to go with him in bed. When and as I see myself to think that man must only attract me to go with him in bed, I stop and breath. I realize that attraction is not enough for sex and relationship that work. I'm too old to go from one man to other and be with him only for sex. I'm too old for this too much time. Yes, this is my past, but is my present and my future too. I commit myself that I'm responsible and don't have sex with men only because I need it and I can be intimate with myself, is better and more safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have too much men for sex in too short period. When and as I see myself to have too much men for sex in too short period, I stop and breath. I realize that this is a part of my life when I look for myself and I don't know what I want, what I need. Now I know that man who talk too much about sex and how good is, that is only talk. So I decide to look for person that we know each other or knowing slowly. I commit myself that I respect myself, my body and men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pose for take some xxx pictures. When and as I see myself to think to pose for take some xxx pictures again, I stop and breath. I realize that in on way this mean that you love your body, but in other way you expose yourself in public. I have one pic that I like it and I want it. But the most of pictures I want to have only for myself. I love myself and for me only the best. I commit myself that I think before I do something like this again, or better, never do this again.

Day 90: Painful knees 2

And here is problem. I write about this men and I can talk about it. But few days ago I can't anymore. Something stop me. I done one SF and was better, but here are a lot of point about men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare men what to do to me, because I think if one man hurt me, that can do all who talk with. When and as I see myself to scare men what to do to me, because I think if one man hurt me, that can do all who talk with me, I stop and breath. I realize that people are different. One person can so hurt me, but other can be so nice to me. So if one man hurt me, don't mean that all men must hurt me. But now I'm old enough and know a lot, so I can react differently than last time. I commit myself that I believe in myself and know that I allow them to hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare to go to the date/drink. When and as I see myself to scare to go to the date/drink, I stop and breath. I realize that each person have something that scare to see other person who know each other on web and don't know a lot of time. But the same is if meet someone in real first time. First time you meet is first time. I commit myself to go more often out, not need go to the date.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that go in the date mean to me go to the drink, dinner and be more intimate, but not need be sexual activity in the first date, ordinary meeting are only go to the drink and talk with each other. When and as I see myself to believe that go in the date mean to me go to the drink, dinner and be more intimate, but not need be sexual activity in the first date, ordinary meeting are only go to the drink and talk with each other, I stop and breath. I realize that go to the drink or have ordinary meeting is the same that if you go to the date. It was me and one, and we have fun together and drink and talk. Each meeting is the same, here is only my position that I look who is one, who is in opposite direction that I meet with, is person that I like it or only have friends. I commit myself that each meeting is date or normal/ordinary meeting, because is the same, there no difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare meet with men in real life but on web I can talk with. When and as I see myself to scare meet with men in real life but on web I can talk with, I stop and breath. I realize that I have a lot of courage on web, but not so much in real life. But here is one point too. With this men who ask me to meet with often don't chat about everyday topic, they talk about sex and so one. I don't need and don't look for that kind of person that I can't talk with him. I commit myself that I don't worry what is wrong with me if I don't want meet with person that don't talk with me about real life topic, not only about sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses why I can't meet with men. When and as I see myself to look for excuses why I can't meet with men, I stop and breath. I realize that it's my life and my decision and if I don't want to meet with person, I don't need to meet with this person. I commit myself that I respect myself and if I say no, it must be enough, I not need look for excuses why not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like one abuse me when I allow him be intimate with me. When and as I see myself to feel like one abuse me when I allow him be intimate with me, I stop and breath. I realize that I made mistake when I meet with one. I say one yes, so here is no abuse, but I feel like someone hurt me. That moment only lie on the floor in the blanket and one do all. I know that this is my problem, my decision. I commit myself that I forgive one what one do to me in this happening and know that my word is my permission/contract with other.