Day 62: Talk in foreign language

My mother language is Slovenian and last week I speak a lot of in foreign language, in English. I learn English eight years, but I don't know enough to talk with other if someone in group know my language and English and I want to translate me. But last week I was volunteer and I must to talk in English because there are people all over the world. I must talk with them and told them where is what and other things. I go over myself and in the end of week I talk in mixed group (with who understand my language and who don't understand) in English, because it easier and faster. I don't scare if I made some mistake, because I know, that they understand me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affraid to talk in other language if someone know my and other language. I affraid, because I don't belive in myself and my know of language. I don't trust myself that I can conversation with other people in foregin language and I know enough for this. In this week I see that I know enought for normal conversation and I begin belive in myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to belive in myself and my speaking of foreign language. I realize that if I push myself through my affraids, that I became relaxed and I can talk with other in English if someone know my language or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apologise to other people for my bad language. When I talk with one girl she say, that you know how dificult is when you learn new language and you don't know enough. So all people who are learn other language know how hard it is and understand you and help you. Each person must learn and noone know all, so we learn all life and still don't know all.

Day 61: Ignore

In last blog I wrote that I become angry, because I think, that people ignore me, because they talk when I want to talk. In the end I realize that I had my microphone on mute. But this word, ignore, can mean a lot. Each person I think are ignore someone. But this isn't all. Each person ignore thyself too. Most banal situation is when you must go to the toalete, but you wait and wait and in the end you must to go on all fours. This is ignoring thyself too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I never ignor noone, because I talk with all people and listen them, but if I think, I don't listen all, only people that I want to listen it. I don't listen people who need my help, because I think, that I don't have money, time or material things that help them, but I can help other people in the other way too. I can listen them and tell other people their story and other people can help them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, that I never ignor myself, but this isn't thrue. I don't listen my body when something hurt me, I don't listen myself when I must go to the toalete, bu t I don't go, because I'm too lazy and in the end I came to toalete in last second, I don't listen my body when I'm hungry or I'm full. I realy don't listen and ignore my physical body what they want and need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that ignore mean that other people don't listen you. In primary school my schoolmate ignore me, because they don't want talk with me and because it, I'm be alone all the time. They be and talk with me, because they must conversation with me, but they listen me, but mybe they don't hear me what I want tell them. A few years ago they say me, that I behave/act too mature for them, so they don't want socialize with me. Because this I learn live with myself and don't fell alone in group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive, that ignore someone is when you listen people, but they don't hear it or when someone want to tell you somethink, but you go away, because you don't want listen what they want to tell you, or you see person who need some help, but you don't want to help this person. But this is only one parth of ignoring. But all part of ignoring hurt people who been ignored.

Day 60: Talk with ...

I have Skype chat with some people and I do something. In the middle of conversation I mute my microphone and forgot, that do this. In the end I want to say something, but noone don't want hear me. What is wrong, why all ignore me? I want say something. I start to swear, because I became angry on all of people in conversation. All say bye and I realize, that I have my michrophone in mute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to other people, because I think, that they ignore me, but they can't hear me, because I have microphone on mute. When and as I see myself be angry on other people, because I think, that they  ignore me, but they can't hear me, because I have microphone on mute, I stop and breath. I realize that I became angry on them, because I think, that they heare me and ignore me, but I didn't look why they ignore me in real. In the end I see where is problem and see, that all is my quilty. I commit myself, that I look why they ignore me and see if problem is in my side.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start swear because I became angry on them. When and as I see myself to start swear because I became angry on them, I stop and breath. I realize that I don't swear often, but this time is my angry so big. I don't remember what words I use, but I happy now, that they don't hear it. But better will be, if I don't use any words and only breath and calm myself. I commit myself, that if I think, that other people ignore me, I turn and go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, that I offend people who ignore me, if I say some unsuitable words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words that I think is unsuitable words or swearing words, but any words isn't in dictionary labelled that this is word for swear or is unsuitable words. Only people see this cind of words. Word is only word and in dictionary isn't write that you must fell something if you say or hear any word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry on myself when I realize where is problem, because I don't realize this sooner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be happy, because noone hear what I say, because I fell embarrased if they hear me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yell when I swear, because I'm so angry and don't see what is doing on.

Day 59: To bake pastry

This days I bake a lot. In the begining I help my mum bake for wedding and later/this week I bake for us, for birthdays and for some other celebration in our vilage. I prefere cook like bake, but this time I love to bake too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love/like cooking more than baking. When and as I see myself love/like cooking more than baking, I stop and breath. I realize that this is for chefs different job, because some chefs only cook and other only bake, but I only love/like do this, so is good if I do both with the same love. I commit myself that I have cooking and baking part of prepare all menu.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bake this time with some positive energy, because I can bake next to one person with whom I other years have a big arguing about baking, who bake and what to bake and why not, but this year I agree what this person say and I do this, help this person with bake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous other time and because this my fell I start arguing and yell and all go wrong, but this year I'm so calm and all go right, we can conversation in calm and all is peacefull and easy to work.