Day 104: Food

Meat, fat, this is the best food for me. I know, that this food is not good for my health, but I like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat a lot of fat and greasy food. When and as I see myself to eat a lot of fat and greasy food, I stop and breath. I realize that I eat greasy food before sleeping and then my stomach hurt me and I feel sick. The most common dish is baked eggs in pig fat. But I put too much eggs in pan, so I decide, to put less eggs in the pan and it's better. So, it's not important what I eat, but how much I eat. I commit myself that I prepare less food than I think I must to eat, because it's not good for me too much food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, because I eat meat and don't feel guilty, because it must die for my food. When and as I see myself to feel bad, because I eat meat and don't feel guilty, because it must die for my food, I stop and breath. I realize that I live in farm and I be there when they kill animal for food. They care for all animal in our small farm. And we eat all part of animals. So I think, that animal give life for our food because we need this. We have a lot of vegetables too, but I don't like it so much. I commit myself that don't feel bad and respect live animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, because I don't eat enough vegetables and fruits, so my food is not healthy. When and as I see myself to feel bad, because I don't eat enough vegetables and fruits, so my food is not healthy, I stop and breath. I realize that I eat a lot of vegetables, because I have good results in blood test where we see if I eat enough vegetables and fruits. But my digestion told me, that I don't eat enough fiber. I commit myself that I eat enough vegetables and fruits that I don't feel bad because it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I eat enough fiber, but my body tell me, that I don't. When and as I see myself to think, that I eat enough fiber, but my body tell me, that I don't, I stop and breath. I realize that I must each day eat enough food with fiber, because I must defecate each day. But I have one day constipation, but other day I have diarrhea. I commit myself that I each day eat enough fiber for good digestion.

Day 103: Love of food 1

Sweets, sweets. Last days I bake a lot. I bake sweets for holidays. But I don't eat it, yes, I taste it, but only one piece or less. I must move myself and make something. But today I want to eat some sweet, but nothing is enough sweet. So I eat what I find. But this is not good for my body, because I eat too late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bake more than we need and we eat on this holiday time. When and as I see myself that I bake more than we need and we eat on this holiday time, I stop and breath. I realize that I can bake more that we eat and put extra food in freezer, but food from freezer is not so taste than fresh food. But I don't bake often, so is OK, if I take time for myself and enjoy in bake and be in the moment. I commit myself that I don't worry if I bake too much from time to time, only I don't need eat all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must to bake sweets, but I don't need eat it. When and as I see myself that I feel that I must to bake sweets, but I don't need eat it, I stop and breath. I realize that I must bake it, because date of my mums uncle who die a few months ago birthday is coming and I need move myself that I don't grave so much. Baking is my run away, that I forgot on graving. I commit myself that I look why I doing something that usually don't do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need eat sweets when I have period and that time I don't find enough sweet food for eat, so I eat something salt. When and as I see myself to need eat sweets when I have period and that time I don't find enough sweet food for eat, so I eat something salt, I stop and breath. I realize that in time of period I must more drink and eat health food and I don't look for sweet food. In general I don't drink enough water. And I don't know if I really need sweet food, because I don't listen my body enough and I don't recognize what my body really want. I commit myself that I drink more and if I need some food, I firstly drink and later ask my body if I really need that kind of food that I recognize it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad if I eat sweets. When and as I see myself to feel bad if I eat sweets, I stop and breath. I realize that if I it sweets from time to time I don't need feel bad, because if I'm healthy I can eat, but I can't eat too much and too late. I commit myself that I look when and what I eat and I don't eat too late if not need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, because I eat too much too late. When and as I see myself to feel bad, because I eat too much too late, I stop and breath. I realize that I can eat late, if I go to the bed 3 hours after meal. But I must look after what I eat in the evening. I must eat easy food and all be OK. I commit myself that I look when and what I eat and if I eat a few hour before I prefer in first place drink water and see if I must eat.

Day 102: Love of food

If we want to survive we must to eat. We eat a different food. Some food we love but other food don't. But where is line between love food and eat because we must to eat. We prefer some taste. But is food with good taste for us, good for our body too? I love to eat chocolate. I eat dark chocolate or very sweet chocolate. Which one is better for my body? Both is OK if I eat one piece. And what can I eat and what not?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my body need what I eat and what I wish for eat. When and as I see myself to think that my body need what I eat and what I wish for eat, I stop and breath. I realize that I eat, because other people around me eat, but my body don't need any food. I can be all day without food, but I'm not hungry, only my body don't need food in this moment. So I must listen my body, not eat, because people around me eating. I commit myself that I eat when I feel hungry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I getting fat, because I eat sweets and food with a lot of calories. When and as I see myself to think that I getting fat, because I eat sweets and food with a lot of calories, I stop and breath. I realize that I getting fat, because I eat because eat other people around me, I'm hungry, because I don't listen my body and I think that I'm hungry, not thirsty, because I drink too little. I commit myself to look how I feel before I eat, I drink before I eat and listen my body if they need food at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, that chocolate is bad for me. When and as I see myself to think that chocolate is bad for me, I stop and breath. I realize that I can eat chocolate as much I need, but I can't feel bad about it. I must feel good if I eat it and if I become bad mood because I eat too much, that is not good. I must stop earlier, because I only think that I need so much of chocolate. My mind think that I need, my body need so much of chocolate. I commit myself that I don't became bad mood if I eat too much, I listen my body and I eat that much I need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that salt food is bad for me. When and as I see myself to think that salt food is bad for me, I stop and breath. I realize that all salt food that I buy it is crap food. Is salt and greasy and there is not any food in it. I love crisps and other popular Slovenian salt package food. This food is bad for me. Better is, if I prepare similar food at home. Is better and healthier than food from stores. I love to cook, why I don't prepare good food ad home. But if I buy and eat that food, I can't be angry on myself, because is this worst, than bad food. I commit myself that I made at home food I like it, but if I buy some crap food, I don't be angry on myself.

Day 101: My physical change

Last time I change myself. I start walking two week ago, because I must to walk, but soon I see that walk is good for me and now I walk for myself. I know that I must lost some weight, but I don't walk to lose it, I walk because I feel better if I walk. My digestion is better. I'm better. It was difficult to begin, so I ask my dad if he want go with me. He say yes. And this is start of my daily walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that walking is not for me. When and as I see myself to think, that walking is not for me, I stop and breath. I realize that walk is important for me. When I walk I'm with myself. I know that is not good, that I talk with myself in ma mind, but I find some solution about different think. When I walk listen myself, my body. I feel where hurt me. I breathing. I'm be there, I feel wind, I feel my body. I commit myself that when I think to not go to the walk, I look on all benefits on my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to the walk because I must go. When and as I see myself to go to the walk because I must to go, I stop and breath. I realize that walk is good for me, so I decide I walk because I feel better after walk. I feel better and I see all more positively. I commit myself that I walk because I want, not because I must go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare if someone see me that I walk, because I think, that fat people don't walk. When and as I see myself to scare if someone see me that I walk, because I think, that fat people don't walk, I stop and breath. I realize that fat people walk too. All people walk. But walk is more difficult than go to the gym. So in the beginning people maybe go to the gym, but why I look what other say about me. I walk for myself and I can go when I want to go and where I want to go. I live in moment when I walk. I can be with myself and breathing and this is more important that what other people say. But if I want be with myself it be better be alone, than with other people who disturb me. But I must live in both situation. I commit myself to take chance to myself to be proud because I begin walk and I work on myself in this way.

Day 100: Simply me

This is my 100th blog. And through blogs I walk with a different themes. Yes, I have still a lot of problems, but I solve some of them. I take enough tame to change myself. I know, that I'm not work enough intensive, I can do better, but this is my life and my pace. I do the best that I can. No, not real. I can do better than I do to now. I can do more intensive and faster. But is this best for me? Soon will be 2 years when I was first time meet with Desteni. Since then I change myself. I'm better me.

The toughest for me is writing from the moment. Or when I want to write some more, but I stop and I don't know what to write anymore. But that moment is the best. Then I see who I am and how I react. When I don't know what to write, I begin to look on Facebook, drink water or do something not so important. And go back and write is so difficult. So, I begin with theme and when I have theme I write about. Is so much easier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare with other how fast I go and how good I became. When and as I see myself to compare with other how fast I go and how good I became, I stop and breath. I realize that this is only mine process and only I'm important in it. I go my pace. I know that I can go faster, but point is not how fast you finish all, but that you improve yourself and live life. I commit myself to not compare my process with other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid writing/see problem/ go trough problem when I came to the difficult point. When and as I see myself to avoid writing/see problem/go trough problem when I same to the difficult point, I stop and breath. I realize that the toughest is work on myself. I want change myself, but in same time I want stay in secure/well known place. I scare changes. I see that something work and want that stay, I don't want changes. But I know, that I need changes to live better. I commit myself to accept change and see that life is better with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to asking myself if I do enough fast and intensive my process. When and as I see myself to asking myself if I do enough fast and intensive my process, I stop and breath. I realize that this is my process and only me know and see how fast and intensive is my process and if I can go faster. In the same time I see if I need more work on myself, more agreement to myself and so on. I known myself the best. But I see, that other people know me better than me. I begin with meeting with myself and don't see some points, that other people see. And they tell me about and tell me what point I must to look and so on. I commit myself that I know I do enough intensive and fast my process.

Day 99: Be same than other people

I want be the same than other people. This is sentence that I write in last blog. Did I really want be the same than other people. I don't think so. I want be equal, but not the same. I am who I am. And I don't be the same, because each people is different than other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write that I want be the same than other people. When and as I see myself to write, that I want be the same than other people, I stop and breath. I realize that word have big power. If you don't use correct word is meaning so different. You want told, that each people in the world are equal, but you write that they the same. Different word, different meaning. But in real I don't make a mistake. I commit myself that I use correct word when I want told something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want be the same than other. When and as I see myself to want be the same than other, I stop and breath. I realize that I want write equal with other, but I want be the same. I see people who have what I want and be like they. But I can't be like they. I only can be myself. But I don't see that. I see myself less than other, because I see only what I don't have and don't know. I don't see myself and how unique I am. I prefer compare with other and I feel less, inferior. How good is this feeling. But this is not true. Being inferior or superior isn't good. Only being real me is good. But who I am? I am who I am. I commit myself that I be real myself and don't want be like other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to don't know who I am. When and as I see myself to don't know who I am, I stop and breath. I realize that this is not so easy to say who I am. I see myself like a lazy person, who don't know anything and so on and so on, only negative things. But I'm not pure negative person. I'm person. I want be someone who I'm not. I try to be someone who other people say that this is you. But I'm not. I'm love to write, take some picture, be in nature, but I'm a little negative too, I'm nervous when I must do something new, I argue with other people sometimes and so on. I try to be who I am. But in the same time I try to be who other people want that I am. I commit myself that I'm the best me.

More about who I am and who I want to be I write in private.

Day 98: More or less

Me, you, they. Who is better and who is the worst? Who is more and who is less? We are all people. But I see older people who more important than me, because they have more knowledge than me and because teach me, when I was young, that I must respect older people and address formally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that respect older people mean that I think that older people are more than me, so I must believe them, say them that they have always right and talk nice with them. When and as I see myself think that respect older people mean that I think that older people are more than me, so I must believe them, say them that they have always right and talk nice with them, I stop and breath. I realize that respect older people is the same than respect younger people or people with same age than me. Respect are talk with other like I want they talk with me, be nice to them, help them, but not too much, I must stay me. Not be under or above other people, be in the same level with them. I commit myself that I respect people to see them like a person and behave to them like I want to they behave to me and if they want teach me how I must behave to them, I stop and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my parents teach me how to behave to other people in modern way, but I see a lots of old school mentality in their teaching.When and as I see myself to think that my parents teach me how to behave to other people in modern way, but I see a lots of old school mentality in their teaching, I stop and breath. I realize that there are a lots of old school mentality in country side and this is don't work anymore. I address formally people that I see first time and they older than me. If I see person with my age I don't be polite, like my parents say and address them formally, but I talk with them like someone that I know them. I like if I don't need be so polite, I want be myself and see all people the same than me, but this is not OK for people with old school mentality. But I can be polite without addressing people formally. I commit myself that I see what other people want and if they say that they want be addressed formally, I addressed them formally, but for other people I use polite words, but I see and talk like person like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people who stay to look like bigger than they are, that they want to look like more important/better/more/superior like me. When and as I see myself to think that people who stay and look like bigger than they are, that they want to look like more important/better/more/superior like me, I stop and breath. I realize that I see this move, I see that they do this if they do or not. This move is only in my mind, because I see this move in my childhood often and they want tell me, that I must listen them. So I see now this move and think that they want be better than me, they want that I see their superior. And in that moment I see myself inferior and I react, because I don't want be less than other. I begin with louder voice, I want to fight, I want be the same than other people. I commit myself that if I see that other people look like bigger than they are, I don't react, but I breath and realize, that they don't want be superior and see me inferior, but they want be like me, so I must talk with them like a people who is the same than me.