Day 96: Like a baby

A few days ago I post on Facebook picture where I lie in bed and dink water from bottle. I lie in some position that I see in front my eyes a a few years old baby who have bottle and drink from it. In that moment I feel some feeling and I feel like this baby that I see. I'm feel like a baby. This feeling was nice, comfortable, tender, loved, accepted, all positive emotions. Over the day I think about this emotions, because someone tell me that is good for looking it, and when I think about them, I remember word child. So this emotions I remember from my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I know only negative feelings. When and as I see myself to think that I know only negative feelings, I stop and breath. I realize that I know negative feelings and positive emotions, but I have prefer feelings, negativity. I commit myself that I research feeling and emotions and then know what I know and what don't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare feel good when I think on baby who drink from the bottle and I do the same. When and as I see myself to scare feel good when I think on baby who drink from the bottle and I do the same, I stop and breath. I realize that I feel good because I remember this emotions from my early ages, when I was single child and my parents take me all time that they have. This was before my age 4, because after this age I have some memory, but there is no anymore good feelings. I commit myself to in same situation research feelings and emotions and know, that this is mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this emotions that I feel in that moment isn't mine, because I think on the other child who enjoy in bed where drink from bottle. When and as I see myself to think that this emotions that I feel in that moment isn't mine, because I honk on the other child who enjoy in bed where dink from bottle, I stop and breath. I realize that I really see other child in my mind, but emotions are mine. In this child in my mind I see myself, I feel forgotten emotions from my childhood and after I start thinking about it, I see this. I commit myself that see my real feelings and emotions in other people if is some reaction in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare and don't see emotions because I think I never felt it. When and as I see myself to scare and don't see emotions because I think I never felt it, I stop and breath, I realize that I felt emotions, but I don't remember it, because I feel better in negative feelings. I feel emotions now too, but not so strong that negative feelings. I commit myself that I feel emotions without scare.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want to fast grow up when I was young, because older people have more positive emotions, but now, when I grown, I scare to be grown, because I feel only negative feelings and I want be young again. When and as I see myself to want to fast grow up when I was young, because older people have more positive emotions, but now, when I grown, I scare to be grown, because I feel only negative feelings and I want to be young again, I stop and breath. I realize that I want be someone who I'm not. I looking for feelings and emotions on incorrect way. I know, that I can feel what I need all the time, but better for me is, if I don't have too much feelings and emotions and only be, breath and live. I commit myself that I don't look around for feelings and emotions, because I have all in myself, so I must only look in myself.

Day 95: The same age

I react to the people, who told me that I'm child, something less, but they are have their own children in the same age like I have now. I ask myself why I am less, because I don't have yob, child and family, than they with yob, children and family in the same age? Where are difference between me and them? I know that I'm younger than them, but they are younger to their parents and a lots of people.

People are the equal from birth to death, but for our parents we are child all life. And no, this is not good, not for parents and not for children. Parent feel that they more, they are superior, and children feel less, inferior. Yes, is good that you respect your parents, but if they told you child all life is something wrong. But where is problem and who must solve this. I see people around me, who are older, that they see me like 10 years old child, who need them that they help me. Yes, it's maybe problem, because I'm single and don't have proper yob, but 30 years ago was different opportunity and young people can find yob sooner than now. When I look them I see that they seen me like a child, who need help. And They don't trust me because I live at home. But in the same time I don't want be with them, because only they have right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less, inferior next to older people who want be more important. When and as I see myself to feel less, inferior next to older people, who wants be more important, I stop and breath. I realize that they see how old I am, and they want be young again, so they feel superior because they so older than me, and they want to show how important they are. I commit myself that when I feel less, I breath and know, that this is their problem, not mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on a words child, kid, rascal and other similar and more aggressive and negative words that they call me with. When and as I see myself that I react on a words child, kid, rascal and other similar and more aggressive and negative words that they call me with, I stop and breath. I realize that I really see myself in this theirs words. But I'm not what they say that I am. I'm what I feel and I know I am. I'm person, who have 30 years, live in house with parents and help them. My mum live with her family in my grandma house too. So where is problem where lives who. Is problem that I don't have yob? Or maybe I don't have "yob" on my mum's and other people definition. I can't know what is their definition of yob, so I must define mine definition of yob and live this word. I commit myself that I know who I am and don't react what other people say who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, that they behave to me like I'm 10 years old, because I'm single and don't have yob and family. When and as I see myself to think, that they behave to me like I'm 10 years old, because I'm single and don't have yob and family, I stop and breath. I realize that what they think about me is their problem, not mine. I live the best than I can. If I'm single is mine problem, not theirs, and have yob and family is mine too. I know, that I don't help them with money, but time is money. I take them a lot of time. I commit myself that I know what and who I am and if they behave to me like I have 10 I know, that this is their problem and I only breath and don't react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on their words with they want insult me. When and as I see myself to react on their words with they want insult me, I stop and breath. I realize that they say to me this kind of words because they don't know how in the other way insult me, because I have correct, but because I'm younger I can't have right, so this attack with insult words is their defense. They are some older people who think, that younger people than they can't have correct and they do what they can to prove their right. I commit myself that I see when people want insult me and then I step back and don't argue with them, because they have always correct.

Day 94: Why is this happen to me?

It's free day and I sleep in my bed. It's noise around me, so I don't sleep, but I want. So once I wake up and remind that I have chat. I look in my portable device and see that I have message there, but person are not on. It's panic time. I write in message sorry for late because I slept so many time, but I don't fell better. But I late less than half of hour. I wait her and hope that come back. But she is not came. I wait hour. It's the same. So I become nervous. I'm not late, ok, I was late, but not so much. So time go on. It was time for eat. And I cant eat. I go out, but soon came back. I was nervous and bad mood. Why is this happen to me today? Why? So I on my notebook and I get message from her, that is ok, that this is can happen each person. I feel better now. I remember that I often dream that I was late. I must do this and that and in the end I stay at home or I'm so late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less, because I'm late. When and as I see myself that I feel less, because I'm late, I stop and breath. I realize that each person are sometimes late, because a lot of reasons. But for me is some reasons forgivable, but other not. If person late because asleep, accident in the way, is ok, but if late, because they don't want go there or because is be better at home is not forgivable. I commit myself that I accept if I late sometimes and don't feel less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to became panic, because person that I have chat with is off. When and as I see myself to become panic, because person that I have chat with is off, I stop and breath. I realize that we have chat weekly, and if we don't chat this week, we chat next, or we chat on e-mail if something is so important. So be in panic is not need. I commit myself that I think, before react and if not need to react I go forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become panic, because I be late to turn exam to the professor and I run after him and turn exam him last moment. When and as I see myself to become panic, because I be late to turn exam to the professor and I run after him and turn exam him last moment, I stop and breath. I realize that each person/student have enough time for finish exam and if don't know enough is not enough time and you look and don't finish in time. I commit myself that I look in watch how much time I have and turn exam a minute before is over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous because she don't come back in web. When and ans I see myself to be nervous because she don't come back in web, I stop and breath. I realize that she has her life and she don't have time only for me. So I must be on time and if I late, I have next chance next week. So simple. I don't need be nervous, I must breath and live my life in this moment. I commit myself if I'm nervous, I calm myself and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'm not person who late and because I'm late this time I hate myself. When and as I see myself to think that I'm not person who late and because I'm late this time I hate myself, I stop and breath. I realize that I not need hate myself, because I see myself like person who don't late. I'm like other person and I'm late too. I commit myself that I don't judge myself and say myself that I hate myself because I late one not life important chat.