Day 139: Fear of death 2

A few weeks ago I again think about that "I want to die" and I saw starting point because it I start thinking about. I realise that I think about "I want to die" in situation about be in relationship with someone or men don't want to be with me or men disappoint me because there are so scare to be in relationship with me. So I want to be with some men in relationship, but no one like me, so I feel bad and start thinking about "I want to die" and "no one likes me" and "I want some men", but I don't see myself and how be in relation with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thinking about men that brings to my mind thinking about death too. When and as I see myself to thinking about men that brings to my mind thinking about death too, I stop and breath. I realise that thinking about death is not supportive to me and when I think about men and how disappointed I am is the same. So, being supportive is that be friend with men and if I'm disappointed in relation with men I only say that I can't change in this situation anything, but next time I be more calm and don't go into men and want him. If anyone want to be with me they told me this. So, I commit myself that in relation with men I don't think about death, because I can be only person in this moment to be in relation with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk with men and be open too much and when they want something from me I close myself. When and as I see myself to talk with men and be open too much and when they want something from me I close myself, I stop and breath. I realise that I want someone so much that I open myself too soon and I give them all they want like photos and phone number and soon they want more and I don't want to. In the end is all over and I'm disappointed and men are disappointed too and they are bad in the end, but in real if I look better in myself I see that I'm the person who made problems to myself. I feel that this men is ok and in the end I scare myself and finish it, but better will be, that I chat like a friend and in the end see if this will go or not. But I want now in this moment all and because it I made this situation and in the end men is guilty and I'm good girl who is disappointed in life so much. If some men is ok for me I want him in this moment and they scare to me and don't want be in relationship with me. So, the biggest problem of myself is I want this person in this moment to be in relationship with. So, I commit myself to be more easy going and not be so open in beginning and don't tell men that I want be with and in the end he came to me and told that he want to be with me.