sobota, 30. junij 2018

Day 140: Fear of death 3

Last time I write about men with relation to my thinking about death. And there are more points about. One of them is being alone. I feel bad when I end with man and when I thinking how I'm alone I feel bad too. So in my mind is that I want to be with someone else than myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want be with someone else than myself. When and as I see myself to want to be with someone else than myself, I stop and breath. I realise that I was first 4 years of my life only child and then in one moment I become big sister and my parents don't have anymore so much time for me than before, then I was all the time alone in primary school and first friends I can find in secondary school, but I be alone there too. And I'm sick to be alone all the time, so I look for partner, for someone to be with. I know that I'm the best partner for myself but I miss communication, I want to be center of universe for one person for one moment. I'm sick of men who want only sex and talk about sex. I want adult conversation with someone. I wish to have relationship with someone. I know that my conversation is so bad, but I don't know what to talk with other people. I feel so different that they. But if I find any person that I can communicate with is women, too old or married. So, I can't communicate too much with them or be with them. Or if is women our relationship is so different than with men, is only friendship. And when I think about relationship and communication with someone I become lonely and feel bad. Because I think I'm strong with words, but only give a information and writing is not enough for me. Voice is important, so speaking communication is fastest and sometimes better than writing. Yes I know, that with writing you slow down minds, but sometimes you must use your voice. And people make yoke from my voice because they hate it and I hate it too from time to time. But this is not important now. So, I commit myself that I accept myself, my voice, being alone and soon someone who want be with me in relation came to me and want to be with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick be alone all the time. When and as I see myself to be sick be alone all the time, I stop and breath. I realise that I have myself, friends, coworkers and other people. But I'm alone when the most I need to talk with someone. Sometimes I want to go somewhere, but not alone, but there is no one that want to go with me and in the end I stay at home. Sometimes is being with someone better than being alone. There is one point, you must communicate and adjust their wish, but when you are alone you sometimes don't have any wish to visit places and going somewhere. And being alone is right time to visit all the places that you wish to visit it. So, I commit myself to sit in the car and go around when I want go somewhere and do what I wish, because when I find somewhere I must adjust them.

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