Day 142: Numbers 2

Today I will write about 10 minutes. Actually I all evening I try to talk with friend and each time I told her that I'm busy and I call her back in 10 minutes, but its take sometimes more than hour. So, what is time and why is 10 minutes so convenient to told to call back?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel back, because I told her that I call her in 10, but I don't do that. When and as I see myself to feel bad, because I told her that I call her in 10, but don't do that, I stop and breath. I realise that I not need feel bad if I don't call back in 10 minutes, but only when I really can't call her back. If I know, that I cal her back, but I don't do that I made mistakes and I'm not supportive for myself and her and I must look why I do that and what I must change next time. I know, that I can say, I call you back in half hour, but 10 minutes is short time for waiting, but long enough to do a lot of things. But the same time is not long enough for me when I go shopping. So, I commit myself that next time I told, that I don't have time in this moment and call back when I'm free and don't use time, only if I really take a short period like less than 5 minutes and really came back and call back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I once brake the word, that I do next time too. When and as I see myself to think that if I once brake the word, that I do next time too, I stop and breath. I realise that if you one time brake the word, you must work in this and think why you brake it. Because you like do that, or you really can't do what you promise. And if you really can't do, next time promise only what you can do. So, I commit myself that I promise only what I can do next time.

Day 141: Numbers

I step in the scale in that day again and number stop in I don't know what number. But I remember what I say myself "Klavdija, stop thinking about numbers and start eating". I think, that I don't eat enough, but I was not hungry and I don't starve my body because I want lost some more weigh. I eat once or twice on day and in real not hungry, but the same time I'm to tired for prepare some food, so walk on our garden is something that bring some more food in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too much how much weigh I lost in last years. When and as I think too much how much weigh I lost in last years, I stop and breath. I realise, that there are no numbers, but how I feel and what problems I have. There is more important, that I can walk without hurting knees because I have too much weigh, than have less and less in the scale. There are new muscles in my body that I don't have before and people say that muscles have more weigh than fat. So be in the moment and listen body what it want and I will be fine and don't starve and lost some more weigh. So, I commit myself that I don't think too much about my weigh and numbers, but live my life and feel good in my body in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare that I starve my body. When and as I see myself to think that I starve my body, I stop and breath. I realise that if I'm not hungry there are no reason to scare abut it. But there is no important how much I eat, but what I eat, so each day one chocolate is worse than one fruit or vegetable. So, I commit myself to not think how much I eat, but what I eat and that food must be enough supporting for my body. 

Day 140: Fear of death 3

Last time I write about men with relation to my thinking about death. And there are more points about. One of them is being alone. I feel bad when I end with man and when I thinking how I'm alone I feel bad too. So in my mind is that I want to be with someone else than myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want be with someone else than myself. When and as I see myself to want to be with someone else than myself, I stop and breath. I realise that I was first 4 years of my life only child and then in one moment I become big sister and my parents don't have anymore so much time for me than before, then I was all the time alone in primary school and first friends I can find in secondary school, but I be alone there too. And I'm sick to be alone all the time, so I look for partner, for someone to be with. I know that I'm the best partner for myself but I miss communication, I want to be center of universe for one person for one moment. I'm sick of men who want only sex and talk about sex. I want adult conversation with someone. I wish to have relationship with someone. I know that my conversation is so bad, but I don't know what to talk with other people. I feel so different that they. But if I find any person that I can communicate with is women, too old or married. So, I can't communicate too much with them or be with them. Or if is women our relationship is so different than with men, is only friendship. And when I think about relationship and communication with someone I become lonely and feel bad. Because I think I'm strong with words, but only give a information and writing is not enough for me. Voice is important, so speaking communication is fastest and sometimes better than writing. Yes I know, that with writing you slow down minds, but sometimes you must use your voice. And people make yoke from my voice because they hate it and I hate it too from time to time. But this is not important now. So, I commit myself that I accept myself, my voice, being alone and soon someone who want be with me in relation came to me and want to be with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick be alone all the time. When and as I see myself to be sick be alone all the time, I stop and breath. I realise that I have myself, friends, coworkers and other people. But I'm alone when the most I need to talk with someone. Sometimes I want to go somewhere, but not alone, but there is no one that want to go with me and in the end I stay at home. Sometimes is being with someone better than being alone. There is one point, you must communicate and adjust their wish, but when you are alone you sometimes don't have any wish to visit places and going somewhere. And being alone is right time to visit all the places that you wish to visit it. So, I commit myself to sit in the car and go around when I want go somewhere and do what I wish, because when I find somewhere I must adjust them.

Day 139: Fear of death 2

A few weeks ago I again think about that "I want to die" and I saw starting point because it I start thinking about. I realise that I think about "I want to die" in situation about be in relationship with someone or men don't want to be with me or men disappoint me because there are so scare to be in relationship with me. So I want to be with some men in relationship, but no one like me, so I feel bad and start thinking about "I want to die" and "no one likes me" and "I want some men", but I don't see myself and how be in relation with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thinking about men that brings to my mind thinking about death too. When and as I see myself to thinking about men that brings to my mind thinking about death too, I stop and breath. I realise that thinking about death is not supportive to me and when I think about men and how disappointed I am is the same. So, being supportive is that be friend with men and if I'm disappointed in relation with men I only say that I can't change in this situation anything, but next time I be more calm and don't go into men and want him. If anyone want to be with me they told me this. So, I commit myself that in relation with men I don't think about death, because I can be only person in this moment to be in relation with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk with men and be open too much and when they want something from me I close myself. When and as I see myself to talk with men and be open too much and when they want something from me I close myself, I stop and breath. I realise that I want someone so much that I open myself too soon and I give them all they want like photos and phone number and soon they want more and I don't want to. In the end is all over and I'm disappointed and men are disappointed too and they are bad in the end, but in real if I look better in myself I see that I'm the person who made problems to myself. I feel that this men is ok and in the end I scare myself and finish it, but better will be, that I chat like a friend and in the end see if this will go or not. But I want now in this moment all and because it I made this situation and in the end men is guilty and I'm good girl who is disappointed in life so much. If some men is ok for me I want him in this moment and they scare to me and don't want be in relationship with me. So, the biggest problem of myself is I want this person in this moment to be in relationship with. So, I commit myself to be more easy going and not be so open in beginning and don't tell men that I want be with and in the end he came to me and told that he want to be with me.

Day 138: Fear of death 1

Often when I think about death I see, that I saw all and I have enough experiences in my life. But if I stop myself and think better, I see that I want more. I want to see some places more, meet some people, do some things that I love to do. In real I don't yet know why I live, what is my purpose in core. And when I think about travelling and have some adventure I think about not have money, not have time, relax, abroad, calm, blank mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that to have adventure need money and time. When and as I think that to have adventure need money and time, I stop and breath. I realise that I don't need money and time to have adventure, but I must only decide to have fun. There are one person who write, that to travel you not need a money, because you can earn it during the travel or if you write about your adventure and people pay you for that. I commit myself that when think that I need money and time for adventure I start living and each moment become a big adventure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that have adventure is only if you travel abroad. When and as I think that have adventure is only if you travel abroad, I stop and breath. I realise that travel abroad is travel abroad, but the biggest adventure is when you are in your country and take time for yourself and be with yourself. This is the biggest adventure. Go to the near forest, near village, walk from your town from another. All this is adventure. Adventure is when you do something that you don't do before and you enjoy. I commit myself that When I think that have adventure is travel abroad, I stop, breath and go out of my house and start with adventure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that only in adventure or vacation you can relax and have blank mind. When and as I see myself to think that only in adventure or vacation you can relax and have blank mind, I stop and breath. I realise that you can have blank mind and you relax in each moment in your life if you do what you love to do and is not so physically difficult. And this is all the time out of the work. You can also have blank mind in each moment when you not need to think too much. So, I commit myself that when I think that I must go to the vacation to relax and have black mind, I stop and breath and go in place where I like to be and enjoy the moment,

Day 137: Fear of death

It was time when I want to die, but I scare kill myself. It's hurt. And this it's hurt is point that in real I scare to die. When I think to the die, I see my body lie on the table, naked and doctors made autopsy on them. In this moment I think that I'm not beautiful, and what they say about me and my body. And yes in other way I know that they see all kind of bodies in their life and some of them are old and not so good looking that I want to be mine body. So, when I think about autopsy I think about how fat I am, how not good looking and then I don't want to die. There is some tension in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tension in my body when I think about death and autopsy. When and as I see myself to have tension in my body when I think about death and autopsy, I stop and breath. I realise that in the end each person die and me too. So, is better, that I accepted myself and my body, than I scare to die. No, I don't die in this moment, I want to live and work and being, but scare of die is not only scare of die, but much more. So, I commit myself that when I have tension in my body when I think about death and autopsy, I stop, breath and think that my body is mine and if I support my body I start like it and in the end I like my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like my body. When and as I see myself to not like my body, I stop and breath. I realise, that this is my body, this is part of me and I must be proud on and on each part of it. When I like myself and my body, I can be myself at all. I must support myself and my body with exercise, food and right minds. Because my minds affected on my body. So, I commit myself that I sto and breath when I think about how I don't like my body and in that moment start support it with exercise, rest, food or something supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare death with autopsy and being naked. When and as I see myself to compare death with autopsy and being naked, I stop and breath. I realise, that I can be naked in public, take naked photos, but being naked and death is not for me. Being death is the end, but if I take picture and send someone, that person can told me that how beautiful I am, because men don't tell me how ugly I am. So I need compliments from other people that I have beautiful body, because I don't see that. So, I commit myself to stop seeing together death and autopsy and realise, that my body is beautiful without compliments of other people.

Day 136: I'm not good in this sport 1

I'm better than you, you're better than me. Compare with other people made the most reactions in us. When I don't compare with other, and they told me, that I'm good for how long I practice, I feel good, but when I forgot in their words and begin with compare, I become bad mood and I don't listen anyone what they want to tell me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I'm angry on the people who told me that I'm good, but in the end I seen, that I'm in the end of list of all competitors. When and as I see myself to be angry on the people who told me that I'm good, but in the end I seen, that I'm in the end of list of all competitors. I realise that they told me, that I'm good in relation how long I practice and how much I know about this sport. All people who are better than me practice a few years, but I practice only a few months and this is big difference. I commit myself that I'm not angry on the people who give me a support in the way how good I am in my own situations without compare with other people only see how good or bad I am in this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad in the end of competition, but all the time I feel good and enjoy in the competition and with people in my group. When and as I see myself to feel bad in the end of competition, but all the time I feel good and enjoy in the competition and with people in my group, I stop and breath. I realise that I enjoy when I don't see the results and after the end of competition I sit down and see, that I'm tired and my results are not good enough for any prize. But I must seen, that the best prize is that my coach was proud on me and other coach see potencial on me. So I must work as much I can and next time results will be better. I commit myself that results can't made me bad mood, because is this only because I think that I'm better that I am in real.