Day 104: Food

Meat, fat, this is the best food for me. I know, that this food is not good for my health, but I like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat a lot of fat and greasy food. When and as I see myself to eat a lot of fat and greasy food, I stop and breath. I realize that I eat greasy food before sleeping and then my stomach hurt me and I feel sick. The most common dish is baked eggs in pig fat. But I put too much eggs in pan, so I decide, to put less eggs in the pan and it's better. So, it's not important what I eat, but how much I eat. I commit myself that I prepare less food than I think I must to eat, because it's not good for me too much food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, because I eat meat and don't feel guilty, because it must die for my food. When and as I see myself to feel bad, because I eat meat and don't feel guilty, because it must die for my food, I stop and breath. I realize that I live in farm and I be there when they kill animal for food. They care for all animal in our small farm. And we eat all part of animals. So I think, that animal give life for our food because we need this. We have a lot of vegetables too, but I don't like it so much. I commit myself that don't feel bad and respect live animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, because I don't eat enough vegetables and fruits, so my food is not healthy. When and as I see myself to feel bad, because I don't eat enough vegetables and fruits, so my food is not healthy, I stop and breath. I realize that I eat a lot of vegetables, because I have good results in blood test where we see if I eat enough vegetables and fruits. But my digestion told me, that I don't eat enough fiber. I commit myself that I eat enough vegetables and fruits that I don't feel bad because it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I eat enough fiber, but my body tell me, that I don't. When and as I see myself to think, that I eat enough fiber, but my body tell me, that I don't, I stop and breath. I realize that I must each day eat enough food with fiber, because I must defecate each day. But I have one day constipation, but other day I have diarrhea. I commit myself that I each day eat enough fiber for good digestion.

Day 103: Love of food 1

Sweets, sweets. Last days I bake a lot. I bake sweets for holidays. But I don't eat it, yes, I taste it, but only one piece or less. I must move myself and make something. But today I want to eat some sweet, but nothing is enough sweet. So I eat what I find. But this is not good for my body, because I eat too late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bake more than we need and we eat on this holiday time. When and as I see myself that I bake more than we need and we eat on this holiday time, I stop and breath. I realize that I can bake more that we eat and put extra food in freezer, but food from freezer is not so taste than fresh food. But I don't bake often, so is OK, if I take time for myself and enjoy in bake and be in the moment. I commit myself that I don't worry if I bake too much from time to time, only I don't need eat all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must to bake sweets, but I don't need eat it. When and as I see myself that I feel that I must to bake sweets, but I don't need eat it, I stop and breath. I realize that I must bake it, because date of my mums uncle who die a few months ago birthday is coming and I need move myself that I don't grave so much. Baking is my run away, that I forgot on graving. I commit myself that I look why I doing something that usually don't do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need eat sweets when I have period and that time I don't find enough sweet food for eat, so I eat something salt. When and as I see myself to need eat sweets when I have period and that time I don't find enough sweet food for eat, so I eat something salt, I stop and breath. I realize that in time of period I must more drink and eat health food and I don't look for sweet food. In general I don't drink enough water. And I don't know if I really need sweet food, because I don't listen my body enough and I don't recognize what my body really want. I commit myself that I drink more and if I need some food, I firstly drink and later ask my body if I really need that kind of food that I recognize it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad if I eat sweets. When and as I see myself to feel bad if I eat sweets, I stop and breath. I realize that if I it sweets from time to time I don't need feel bad, because if I'm healthy I can eat, but I can't eat too much and too late. I commit myself that I look when and what I eat and I don't eat too late if not need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad, because I eat too much too late. When and as I see myself to feel bad, because I eat too much too late, I stop and breath. I realize that I can eat late, if I go to the bed 3 hours after meal. But I must look after what I eat in the evening. I must eat easy food and all be OK. I commit myself that I look when and what I eat and if I eat a few hour before I prefer in first place drink water and see if I must eat.

Day 102: Love of food

If we want to survive we must to eat. We eat a different food. Some food we love but other food don't. But where is line between love food and eat because we must to eat. We prefer some taste. But is food with good taste for us, good for our body too? I love to eat chocolate. I eat dark chocolate or very sweet chocolate. Which one is better for my body? Both is OK if I eat one piece. And what can I eat and what not?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my body need what I eat and what I wish for eat. When and as I see myself to think that my body need what I eat and what I wish for eat, I stop and breath. I realize that I eat, because other people around me eat, but my body don't need any food. I can be all day without food, but I'm not hungry, only my body don't need food in this moment. So I must listen my body, not eat, because people around me eating. I commit myself that I eat when I feel hungry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I getting fat, because I eat sweets and food with a lot of calories. When and as I see myself to think that I getting fat, because I eat sweets and food with a lot of calories, I stop and breath. I realize that I getting fat, because I eat because eat other people around me, I'm hungry, because I don't listen my body and I think that I'm hungry, not thirsty, because I drink too little. I commit myself to look how I feel before I eat, I drink before I eat and listen my body if they need food at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, that chocolate is bad for me. When and as I see myself to think that chocolate is bad for me, I stop and breath. I realize that I can eat chocolate as much I need, but I can't feel bad about it. I must feel good if I eat it and if I become bad mood because I eat too much, that is not good. I must stop earlier, because I only think that I need so much of chocolate. My mind think that I need, my body need so much of chocolate. I commit myself that I don't became bad mood if I eat too much, I listen my body and I eat that much I need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that salt food is bad for me. When and as I see myself to think that salt food is bad for me, I stop and breath. I realize that all salt food that I buy it is crap food. Is salt and greasy and there is not any food in it. I love crisps and other popular Slovenian salt package food. This food is bad for me. Better is, if I prepare similar food at home. Is better and healthier than food from stores. I love to cook, why I don't prepare good food ad home. But if I buy and eat that food, I can't be angry on myself, because is this worst, than bad food. I commit myself that I made at home food I like it, but if I buy some crap food, I don't be angry on myself.

Day 101: My physical change

Last time I change myself. I start walking two week ago, because I must to walk, but soon I see that walk is good for me and now I walk for myself. I know that I must lost some weight, but I don't walk to lose it, I walk because I feel better if I walk. My digestion is better. I'm better. It was difficult to begin, so I ask my dad if he want go with me. He say yes. And this is start of my daily walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that walking is not for me. When and as I see myself to think, that walking is not for me, I stop and breath. I realize that walk is important for me. When I walk I'm with myself. I know that is not good, that I talk with myself in ma mind, but I find some solution about different think. When I walk listen myself, my body. I feel where hurt me. I breathing. I'm be there, I feel wind, I feel my body. I commit myself that when I think to not go to the walk, I look on all benefits on my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to the walk because I must go. When and as I see myself to go to the walk because I must to go, I stop and breath. I realize that walk is good for me, so I decide I walk because I feel better after walk. I feel better and I see all more positively. I commit myself that I walk because I want, not because I must go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare if someone see me that I walk, because I think, that fat people don't walk. When and as I see myself to scare if someone see me that I walk, because I think, that fat people don't walk, I stop and breath. I realize that fat people walk too. All people walk. But walk is more difficult than go to the gym. So in the beginning people maybe go to the gym, but why I look what other say about me. I walk for myself and I can go when I want to go and where I want to go. I live in moment when I walk. I can be with myself and breathing and this is more important that what other people say. But if I want be with myself it be better be alone, than with other people who disturb me. But I must live in both situation. I commit myself to take chance to myself to be proud because I begin walk and I work on myself in this way.

Day 100: Simply me

This is my 100th blog. And through blogs I walk with a different themes. Yes, I have still a lot of problems, but I solve some of them. I take enough tame to change myself. I know, that I'm not work enough intensive, I can do better, but this is my life and my pace. I do the best that I can. No, not real. I can do better than I do to now. I can do more intensive and faster. But is this best for me? Soon will be 2 years when I was first time meet with Desteni. Since then I change myself. I'm better me.

The toughest for me is writing from the moment. Or when I want to write some more, but I stop and I don't know what to write anymore. But that moment is the best. Then I see who I am and how I react. When I don't know what to write, I begin to look on Facebook, drink water or do something not so important. And go back and write is so difficult. So, I begin with theme and when I have theme I write about. Is so much easier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare with other how fast I go and how good I became. When and as I see myself to compare with other how fast I go and how good I became, I stop and breath. I realize that this is only mine process and only I'm important in it. I go my pace. I know that I can go faster, but point is not how fast you finish all, but that you improve yourself and live life. I commit myself to not compare my process with other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid writing/see problem/ go trough problem when I came to the difficult point. When and as I see myself to avoid writing/see problem/go trough problem when I same to the difficult point, I stop and breath. I realize that the toughest is work on myself. I want change myself, but in same time I want stay in secure/well known place. I scare changes. I see that something work and want that stay, I don't want changes. But I know, that I need changes to live better. I commit myself to accept change and see that life is better with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to asking myself if I do enough fast and intensive my process. When and as I see myself to asking myself if I do enough fast and intensive my process, I stop and breath. I realize that this is my process and only me know and see how fast and intensive is my process and if I can go faster. In the same time I see if I need more work on myself, more agreement to myself and so on. I known myself the best. But I see, that other people know me better than me. I begin with meeting with myself and don't see some points, that other people see. And they tell me about and tell me what point I must to look and so on. I commit myself that I know I do enough intensive and fast my process.

Day 99: Be same than other people

I want be the same than other people. This is sentence that I write in last blog. Did I really want be the same than other people. I don't think so. I want be equal, but not the same. I am who I am. And I don't be the same, because each people is different than other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write that I want be the same than other people. When and as I see myself to write, that I want be the same than other people, I stop and breath. I realize that word have big power. If you don't use correct word is meaning so different. You want told, that each people in the world are equal, but you write that they the same. Different word, different meaning. But in real I don't make a mistake. I commit myself that I use correct word when I want told something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want be the same than other. When and as I see myself to want be the same than other, I stop and breath. I realize that I want write equal with other, but I want be the same. I see people who have what I want and be like they. But I can't be like they. I only can be myself. But I don't see that. I see myself less than other, because I see only what I don't have and don't know. I don't see myself and how unique I am. I prefer compare with other and I feel less, inferior. How good is this feeling. But this is not true. Being inferior or superior isn't good. Only being real me is good. But who I am? I am who I am. I commit myself that I be real myself and don't want be like other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to don't know who I am. When and as I see myself to don't know who I am, I stop and breath. I realize that this is not so easy to say who I am. I see myself like a lazy person, who don't know anything and so on and so on, only negative things. But I'm not pure negative person. I'm person. I want be someone who I'm not. I try to be someone who other people say that this is you. But I'm not. I'm love to write, take some picture, be in nature, but I'm a little negative too, I'm nervous when I must do something new, I argue with other people sometimes and so on. I try to be who I am. But in the same time I try to be who other people want that I am. I commit myself that I'm the best me.

More about who I am and who I want to be I write in private.

Day 98: More or less

Me, you, they. Who is better and who is the worst? Who is more and who is less? We are all people. But I see older people who more important than me, because they have more knowledge than me and because teach me, when I was young, that I must respect older people and address formally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that respect older people mean that I think that older people are more than me, so I must believe them, say them that they have always right and talk nice with them. When and as I see myself think that respect older people mean that I think that older people are more than me, so I must believe them, say them that they have always right and talk nice with them, I stop and breath. I realize that respect older people is the same than respect younger people or people with same age than me. Respect are talk with other like I want they talk with me, be nice to them, help them, but not too much, I must stay me. Not be under or above other people, be in the same level with them. I commit myself that I respect people to see them like a person and behave to them like I want to they behave to me and if they want teach me how I must behave to them, I stop and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my parents teach me how to behave to other people in modern way, but I see a lots of old school mentality in their teaching.When and as I see myself to think that my parents teach me how to behave to other people in modern way, but I see a lots of old school mentality in their teaching, I stop and breath. I realize that there are a lots of old school mentality in country side and this is don't work anymore. I address formally people that I see first time and they older than me. If I see person with my age I don't be polite, like my parents say and address them formally, but I talk with them like someone that I know them. I like if I don't need be so polite, I want be myself and see all people the same than me, but this is not OK for people with old school mentality. But I can be polite without addressing people formally. I commit myself that I see what other people want and if they say that they want be addressed formally, I addressed them formally, but for other people I use polite words, but I see and talk like person like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people who stay to look like bigger than they are, that they want to look like more important/better/more/superior like me. When and as I see myself to think that people who stay and look like bigger than they are, that they want to look like more important/better/more/superior like me, I stop and breath. I realize that I see this move, I see that they do this if they do or not. This move is only in my mind, because I see this move in my childhood often and they want tell me, that I must listen them. So I see now this move and think that they want be better than me, they want that I see their superior. And in that moment I see myself inferior and I react, because I don't want be less than other. I begin with louder voice, I want to fight, I want be the same than other people. I commit myself that if I see that other people look like bigger than they are, I don't react, but I breath and realize, that they don't want be superior and see me inferior, but they want be like me, so I must talk with them like a people who is the same than me.

Day 97: Support myself

Each person need someone to be with. But firstly each person must be good for them-self. Last weeks I'm alone. I can rely on only in myself. I see that I'm so important person for myself that I can live alone and help myself in tough moment. I see that breath is so important and each moment of my life I can live, be here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared because I stay alone and I don't know if I can go forward in my process. When and as I see myself to be scared because I stay alone and I don't know if I can go forward in my process, I stop and breath. I realize that I was alone all the time. Yes, people around me help me, but I must walk my process alone. I live my life like before, but now I must rely really on myself and believe myself that my path is correct. I commit myself that I believe in myself all the time and know that I can do all in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need someone to be with me and support me. When and as I see myself to think that I need someone to be with me and support me, I stop and breath. I realize that it is nice to be with someone who support me, but when is the toughest time for me, I must be strong and go alone trough this time. If someone support me is not mean that I'm weak, but it easier and other person told you something that you don't see. I commit myself that I work on myself  because only me can change myself if someone support me or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that be alone is not supportive for myself. When and as I see myself to think that be alone is not supportive for myself, I stop and breath. I realize that if I'm alone or with someone is the same supportive. Love myself and be supportive for myself is not the same, but if I don't love myself, can't be supportive to myself and if I'm not supportive to myself I can't love myself. So I must work on myself and see myself in real, who I am and what I am and what I want to be and live my life and words that I want live and became person. I commit myself that I support myself, love myself and be who I want to be, person.

Day 96: Like a baby

A few days ago I post on Facebook picture where I lie in bed and dink water from bottle. I lie in some position that I see in front my eyes a a few years old baby who have bottle and drink from it. In that moment I feel some feeling and I feel like this baby that I see. I'm feel like a baby. This feeling was nice, comfortable, tender, loved, accepted, all positive emotions. Over the day I think about this emotions, because someone tell me that is good for looking it, and when I think about them, I remember word child. So this emotions I remember from my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I know only negative feelings. When and as I see myself to think that I know only negative feelings, I stop and breath. I realize that I know negative feelings and positive emotions, but I have prefer feelings, negativity. I commit myself that I research feeling and emotions and then know what I know and what don't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare feel good when I think on baby who drink from the bottle and I do the same. When and as I see myself to scare feel good when I think on baby who drink from the bottle and I do the same, I stop and breath. I realize that I feel good because I remember this emotions from my early ages, when I was single child and my parents take me all time that they have. This was before my age 4, because after this age I have some memory, but there is no anymore good feelings. I commit myself to in same situation research feelings and emotions and know, that this is mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this emotions that I feel in that moment isn't mine, because I think on the other child who enjoy in bed where drink from bottle. When and as I see myself to think that this emotions that I feel in that moment isn't mine, because I honk on the other child who enjoy in bed where dink from bottle, I stop and breath. I realize that I really see other child in my mind, but emotions are mine. In this child in my mind I see myself, I feel forgotten emotions from my childhood and after I start thinking about it, I see this. I commit myself that see my real feelings and emotions in other people if is some reaction in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare and don't see emotions because I think I never felt it. When and as I see myself to scare and don't see emotions because I think I never felt it, I stop and breath, I realize that I felt emotions, but I don't remember it, because I feel better in negative feelings. I feel emotions now too, but not so strong that negative feelings. I commit myself that I feel emotions without scare.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want to fast grow up when I was young, because older people have more positive emotions, but now, when I grown, I scare to be grown, because I feel only negative feelings and I want be young again. When and as I see myself to want to fast grow up when I was young, because older people have more positive emotions, but now, when I grown, I scare to be grown, because I feel only negative feelings and I want to be young again, I stop and breath. I realize that I want be someone who I'm not. I looking for feelings and emotions on incorrect way. I know, that I can feel what I need all the time, but better for me is, if I don't have too much feelings and emotions and only be, breath and live. I commit myself that I don't look around for feelings and emotions, because I have all in myself, so I must only look in myself.

Day 95: The same age

I react to the people, who told me that I'm child, something less, but they are have their own children in the same age like I have now. I ask myself why I am less, because I don't have yob, child and family, than they with yob, children and family in the same age? Where are difference between me and them? I know that I'm younger than them, but they are younger to their parents and a lots of people.

People are the equal from birth to death, but for our parents we are child all life. And no, this is not good, not for parents and not for children. Parent feel that they more, they are superior, and children feel less, inferior. Yes, is good that you respect your parents, but if they told you child all life is something wrong. But where is problem and who must solve this. I see people around me, who are older, that they see me like 10 years old child, who need them that they help me. Yes, it's maybe problem, because I'm single and don't have proper yob, but 30 years ago was different opportunity and young people can find yob sooner than now. When I look them I see that they seen me like a child, who need help. And They don't trust me because I live at home. But in the same time I don't want be with them, because only they have right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less, inferior next to older people who want be more important. When and as I see myself to feel less, inferior next to older people, who wants be more important, I stop and breath. I realize that they see how old I am, and they want be young again, so they feel superior because they so older than me, and they want to show how important they are. I commit myself that when I feel less, I breath and know, that this is their problem, not mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on a words child, kid, rascal and other similar and more aggressive and negative words that they call me with. When and as I see myself that I react on a words child, kid, rascal and other similar and more aggressive and negative words that they call me with, I stop and breath. I realize that I really see myself in this theirs words. But I'm not what they say that I am. I'm what I feel and I know I am. I'm person, who have 30 years, live in house with parents and help them. My mum live with her family in my grandma house too. So where is problem where lives who. Is problem that I don't have yob? Or maybe I don't have "yob" on my mum's and other people definition. I can't know what is their definition of yob, so I must define mine definition of yob and live this word. I commit myself that I know who I am and don't react what other people say who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, that they behave to me like I'm 10 years old, because I'm single and don't have yob and family. When and as I see myself to think, that they behave to me like I'm 10 years old, because I'm single and don't have yob and family, I stop and breath. I realize that what they think about me is their problem, not mine. I live the best than I can. If I'm single is mine problem, not theirs, and have yob and family is mine too. I know, that I don't help them with money, but time is money. I take them a lot of time. I commit myself that I know what and who I am and if they behave to me like I have 10 I know, that this is their problem and I only breath and don't react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on their words with they want insult me. When and as I see myself to react on their words with they want insult me, I stop and breath. I realize that they say to me this kind of words because they don't know how in the other way insult me, because I have correct, but because I'm younger I can't have right, so this attack with insult words is their defense. They are some older people who think, that younger people than they can't have correct and they do what they can to prove their right. I commit myself that I see when people want insult me and then I step back and don't argue with them, because they have always correct.

Day 94: Why is this happen to me?

It's free day and I sleep in my bed. It's noise around me, so I don't sleep, but I want. So once I wake up and remind that I have chat. I look in my portable device and see that I have message there, but person are not on. It's panic time. I write in message sorry for late because I slept so many time, but I don't fell better. But I late less than half of hour. I wait her and hope that come back. But she is not came. I wait hour. It's the same. So I become nervous. I'm not late, ok, I was late, but not so much. So time go on. It was time for eat. And I cant eat. I go out, but soon came back. I was nervous and bad mood. Why is this happen to me today? Why? So I on my notebook and I get message from her, that is ok, that this is can happen each person. I feel better now. I remember that I often dream that I was late. I must do this and that and in the end I stay at home or I'm so late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less, because I'm late. When and as I see myself that I feel less, because I'm late, I stop and breath. I realize that each person are sometimes late, because a lot of reasons. But for me is some reasons forgivable, but other not. If person late because asleep, accident in the way, is ok, but if late, because they don't want go there or because is be better at home is not forgivable. I commit myself that I accept if I late sometimes and don't feel less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to became panic, because person that I have chat with is off. When and as I see myself to become panic, because person that I have chat with is off, I stop and breath. I realize that we have chat weekly, and if we don't chat this week, we chat next, or we chat on e-mail if something is so important. So be in panic is not need. I commit myself that I think, before react and if not need to react I go forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become panic, because I be late to turn exam to the professor and I run after him and turn exam him last moment. When and as I see myself to become panic, because I be late to turn exam to the professor and I run after him and turn exam him last moment, I stop and breath. I realize that each person/student have enough time for finish exam and if don't know enough is not enough time and you look and don't finish in time. I commit myself that I look in watch how much time I have and turn exam a minute before is over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous because she don't come back in web. When and ans I see myself to be nervous because she don't come back in web, I stop and breath. I realize that she has her life and she don't have time only for me. So I must be on time and if I late, I have next chance next week. So simple. I don't need be nervous, I must breath and live my life in this moment. I commit myself if I'm nervous, I calm myself and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'm not person who late and because I'm late this time I hate myself. When and as I see myself to think that I'm not person who late and because I'm late this time I hate myself, I stop and breath. I realize that I not need hate myself, because I see myself like person who don't late. I'm like other person and I'm late too. I commit myself that I don't judge myself and say myself that I hate myself because I late one not life important chat.

Day 93: Painful knees 5

That day the wood fell in my knee I don't want go to help him, but I go anyway. I help him, but I work slowly. This was too much for me, because I don't want work at that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be there and work what I don't want in that moment. When and as I see myself to be there and work what I don't want in that moment, I stop and breath. I realize that work must be done if I want to do or not. Be in nature and help other person is not hard work, but if I don't want to work, I thinking how to avoid to work. I commit myself that I do what must be done at home if I want or not and not thinking how avoid to work, because I think too much I hurt myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too much how avoid to work. When and as I see myself to think too much how avoid to work, I stop and breath. I realize that I must stop thinking so much all the time and start doing. If I think one thing and do other I hurt myself and I was so tired. So I can think only what and how to do. I commit myself that I breath more and thinking less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to help other or work. When and as I see myself to force myself to help other or work, I stop and breath. I realize that I'm so lazy and I don't see what I must to do for better life in family. I hear too much time, that I don't do correct, so I don't do anything other only what I must to do. I commit myself that I see more what must be done and do that.

Day 92: Painful knees 4

I believe that I need someone to live with. I wish be wife and mother. But I realize that I can't be this in this moment, because I only wish. I'm not prepare to be. I don't be life, I'm person who want, need someone next to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need someone next to me. When and as I see myself to think that I need someone next to me, I stop and breath. I realize that This someone is me. I?m all the time next to myself. I'm this someone. I can support myself. I can be all what I need. I am what I need. I commit myself that I know that I am that someone next to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want someone next to me. When and as I see myself to want someone next to me, I stop and breath. I realize that I have only wish. And wish is in my mind, my imagination. I can wist world peace, be different than I am now and a lot of other things. But some things can actualize, other not. And my wish about to be someone next to me is real, because, all the time is someone next to me. This person are myself. I commit myself that I'm not looking for someone to be next to me, I must only know that this person is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want be a mother and wife. When and as I see myself to want be a mother and wife, I stop and breath. I realize that I'm life. I can be mother because I have uterus. And this is all. I can be mother, parent. But why? I want someone to be with, to care, to teach, to love. I want someone who need me. I'm see that I'm so egoistic. Having child is not wish. Is a process. Child is a person, life. And when I have stable, then I can have child if my partner want too. Child is responsibility for two person, two partners. And child is not mine. Child is little person and all community teach and care for this person. I commit myself to know, that child is person, life and responsibility for two person or more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need partner to be together and partner like me, love me, care of me. When and as I see myself that I believe that I need partner to be together and partner like me, love me, care of me, I stop and breath. I realize that I live in family where parents love me. They put me all what I need and I think that I'm not good enough to put myself what I need, because I don't have proper job. So I need someone who take me money and what I need, but if I try hard I have enough for life and more. So I must take responsibility and do all for earn money for myself. I commit myself that I do all to do myself what I need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm alone all life and no one like me. When and as I see myself to believe that I'm alone all life and no one like me, I stop and breath. I realize that I don't like myself, because I'm all the time with myself. But I don't see that, because I look for other people, other mind, energy from other people. I'm so egoistic and look only on myself and my good feeling. I commit myself that I be with myself, do all what I want, and what I must to do to start like and love myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so egoistic and see only myself and what I want and need. When and as I see myself to be so egoistic and see only myself and what I want and need, I stop and breath. I realize that I'm only person like other. I'm not lees or more than other, because we all are the same. I want be loved, but I can love myself. I want money, and I can earn it. I want someone to be together for talk, live, walk, love, but I don't see, that I can all give to myself. I don't see what I am and what I have, only what I need and want and what must other people give me. I can live alone, I can love myself, I can write, I can go alone to walk or vacation. I am and I have all what I want and need. I commit myself that I'm in this moment, physically active and breath.

Day 91: Painful knees 3

Sexual relation, intimacy, sex. When one go with other in bed and have sex? Is there love, sexual attraction, agreement, friendship between that two person? How is in my case?
I always think that I not need to be in love to have sex with someone. But I see, that person that i go with in bed must attraction me. But since I have bad experience with man I don't have sex so often, because I scare what they do to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I not need be in love to have sex with men. When and as I see myself to think that I not need be in love to have sex with men, I stop and breath. I realize that really not need be in love to have sex, but it's better that you in relation with this person. There are a lot of illness, infidelity and if you sex with all, you don't do that is best for all. I commit myself that I have sex if I'm in relationship with this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that man must only attract me to go with him in bed. When and as I see myself to think that man must only attract me to go with him in bed, I stop and breath. I realize that attraction is not enough for sex and relationship that work. I'm too old to go from one man to other and be with him only for sex. I'm too old for this too much time. Yes, this is my past, but is my present and my future too. I commit myself that I'm responsible and don't have sex with men only because I need it and I can be intimate with myself, is better and more safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have too much men for sex in too short period. When and as I see myself to have too much men for sex in too short period, I stop and breath. I realize that this is a part of my life when I look for myself and I don't know what I want, what I need. Now I know that man who talk too much about sex and how good is, that is only talk. So I decide to look for person that we know each other or knowing slowly. I commit myself that I respect myself, my body and men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pose for take some xxx pictures. When and as I see myself to think to pose for take some xxx pictures again, I stop and breath. I realize that in on way this mean that you love your body, but in other way you expose yourself in public. I have one pic that I like it and I want it. But the most of pictures I want to have only for myself. I love myself and for me only the best. I commit myself that I think before I do something like this again, or better, never do this again.

Day 90: Painful knees 2

And here is problem. I write about this men and I can talk about it. But few days ago I can't anymore. Something stop me. I done one SF and was better, but here are a lot of point about men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare men what to do to me, because I think if one man hurt me, that can do all who talk with. When and as I see myself to scare men what to do to me, because I think if one man hurt me, that can do all who talk with me, I stop and breath. I realize that people are different. One person can so hurt me, but other can be so nice to me. So if one man hurt me, don't mean that all men must hurt me. But now I'm old enough and know a lot, so I can react differently than last time. I commit myself that I believe in myself and know that I allow them to hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare to go to the date/drink. When and as I see myself to scare to go to the date/drink, I stop and breath. I realize that each person have something that scare to see other person who know each other on web and don't know a lot of time. But the same is if meet someone in real first time. First time you meet is first time. I commit myself to go more often out, not need go to the date.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that go in the date mean to me go to the drink, dinner and be more intimate, but not need be sexual activity in the first date, ordinary meeting are only go to the drink and talk with each other. When and as I see myself to believe that go in the date mean to me go to the drink, dinner and be more intimate, but not need be sexual activity in the first date, ordinary meeting are only go to the drink and talk with each other, I stop and breath. I realize that go to the drink or have ordinary meeting is the same that if you go to the date. It was me and one, and we have fun together and drink and talk. Each meeting is the same, here is only my position that I look who is one, who is in opposite direction that I meet with, is person that I like it or only have friends. I commit myself that each meeting is date or normal/ordinary meeting, because is the same, there no difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare meet with men in real life but on web I can talk with. When and as I see myself to scare meet with men in real life but on web I can talk with, I stop and breath. I realize that I have a lot of courage on web, but not so much in real life. But here is one point too. With this men who ask me to meet with often don't chat about everyday topic, they talk about sex and so one. I don't need and don't look for that kind of person that I can't talk with him. I commit myself that I don't worry what is wrong with me if I don't want meet with person that don't talk with me about real life topic, not only about sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses why I can't meet with men. When and as I see myself to look for excuses why I can't meet with men, I stop and breath. I realize that it's my life and my decision and if I don't want to meet with person, I don't need to meet with this person. I commit myself that I respect myself and if I say no, it must be enough, I not need look for excuses why not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like one abuse me when I allow him be intimate with me. When and as I see myself to feel like one abuse me when I allow him be intimate with me, I stop and breath. I realize that I made mistake when I meet with one. I say one yes, so here is no abuse, but I feel like someone hurt me. That moment only lie on the floor in the blanket and one do all. I know that this is my problem, my decision. I commit myself that I forgive one what one do to me in this happening and know that my word is my permission/contract with other.

Day 89: Painful knees 1

In past blog I start writing about painful knees. Today I write more about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need someone to be with. When and as I see myself to think that I need someone to be with, I stop and breath. I realize that I this someone to be with is myself. Be with myself is most important, because no need other people around. I commit myself to know that only person to be with is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that be together with someone is the best way, because I don't be alone and all the time I can talk with someone. When and as I see myself to think that be together with someone is the best way, because I don't be alone and all the time I can talk with someone, I stop and breath. I realize that couple aren't together all the time and when are together they don't talk with each other often. Some coupe are together but they don't speak with each other and they feel more lonely than single people. I commit myself that I'm happy and accepted what I have and I try be best that I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that single people are less than couple. When and as I see myself to think that single people are less than couple, I stop and breath. I realize that all people are the same, single or in relation. Single people only think that they be better if they be in relationship, but people in relationship know, that be in relation is not so easy that look like. I commit myself that I know, that I'm equal than people in relationships, because I'm person like other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'm less because I don't have family and children in my age. When and as I see myself to think that I'm less because I don't have family and children in my age, I stop and breath. I realize that being mother and wife are not so easy and women need be strong, stable, have money and want to have family. When couple have child is their choice. Some women have child at 16, 18, 20, but other at 28, 30, 35, 40. Being old or young is only number and this is only one point why they have family. I commit myself that I know, that I have only 30 years and I have a lot of time for partner and children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know what I want from my partner, but now I see that I don't have any clue. When and as I see myself to think that I know what I want from my partner, but now I see that I don't have a clue, I stop and breath. I realize that I want partner who want a children, we can talk with each other, we are equal in our relationship. I commit myself that I look for what I want in relationships and look this on my future partner and became myself what I look for in other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that be with someone is easier than be single. When and as I see myself to think that be with someone is easier than be single, I stop and breath. I realize that being single mean more time for myself, I can go where and when I want and do what I want. I not need to ask anybody for permission to go out or in some place. I commit myself that know that it easier be single, that with someone, because if you with someone is more conversation.

Day 88: Painful knees

Soon will be 2 years since 1 m (1 m is equivalent to 1.0936 yards, or 39.370 inches) tall wood fall in my right knee. This hurt me a few months and since then hurt me only when I must squat down and I was tired (my leg was tired, I walk a lot). But 6 months ago start hurts me both knees when I go up and down on the stairs. It was too much for me so I buy bandage for knee. It help me, but not for long time. So I talk with someone who tell me, that knee is in relation to feeling lonely and how I approach relationships with men, then this person tell me that if I look at the point of falling on the knee at that time - it was linked to the feeling of falling into despair and loneliness and later these are the points that will take me into mine depression and cause I to ‘fall on my knees’ as an expression that means me are giving into depression or falling down. This person recommendation me go to the doctor if might be inflammation and doctor take me a pills, because I might want to get an anti-inflammatory from the pharmacy to help bring down the inflammation - because if one does not sort out the inflammation it can make the problem worse. And I go to the doctor and it was inflammation, doctor take me a pills and in beginning was better, but after few days anymore. I feel some kind of pain in my knees, but not the same than before.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely because I don't have friends, I don't have relationship and I think that my parents don't like me. When and as I see myself to feel lonely because I don't have friends, I don't have relationship and I think that my parents don't like me, I stop and breath. I realize that I have friends, but not close to me and I can't visit it every moment that I need chat. I'm single, I'm not in relationship with no one include myself. And I think that my parents don't like me, because they told me a think that hurt me. I know that they want me all the best, but if they say me that I'm fat, they do, that I eat more not less. I commit myself that when I feel lonely, I know, that I have friends, my parents like me and I'm in relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can't help myself and be in relationship with myself, be alone but not lonely. When and as I see myself to think that I can't help myself and be in relationship with myself, be alone but not lonely, I stop and breath. I realize that the most important relationship is relationship with myself. Only me can support myself in best way, only me can see my problems and only me know what is in my mind and what I feel about different things. The best support is when I support myself, when I do the best for my body, myself and all around me. When I see when I do mistake and correct it. When I see problem and correct myself and my attitude to this problem and find solution. I'm my the best buddy and the best support. I commit myself to be in relationship with myself, support myself and do right thing for me, my body and people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that be in relationship with myself is big deal. When and as I see myself to think, that be in relationship with myself is big deal, I stop and breath. I realize that my problem with breathing and squeezing in my chest are only because I realize how big point is going in relationship with myself. Since now I must support myself all the time. And this is big step in my process. I commit myself that I be supportive to myself and know, that this is only small step in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need men to be in relationship with. When and as I see myself to think that I need men to be in relationship with, I stop and breath. I realize that in the same time I know, that I can't be in relationship, but in other way I want family, men and children. I commit myself that I'm stable person and after that I start thinking about partnership and family.

Day 87: Bad mood or depression 13

In last days, weeks and months that I write this blogs about bad mood or depression I realize, that I'm better, not so much in bad mood or depression. So I decide, that this is the last blog in this series and net time I start about my hurting knees, what is so close with bad mood.
Now I see, that I become depressed when I don't know what to do, all go wrong, I don't see any positive point in my life and my parents want something from me all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I don't know what to do. When and as I see myself to think that I don't know what to do, I stop and breath. I realize that if I want to doing, that I can see what to do each moment in my life. In other way, where is difference between work and play and why older people don't play, only work? So when I say that I play, I work and when I say that I work, I play. I commit myself that I see work each moment and don't look for excuses to not to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that work is work and play is play and play is for children and work is for adults. When and as I see myself to think that work is work and play is play and play is for children and work is for adults, I stop and breath. I realize that children see all work like a play and adults see all play like a work. But where is line between work and play? Maybe because work is something that do for money, because we must to do, we are serious when we do work. But when we play we are happy, we don't need to do, we enjoy in it. I commit myself that I enjoy in my work and play seriously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that all go wrong. When and as I see myself to think that all go wrong, I stop and breath. I realize that never go all wrong and this is only my perception, because I see this in that way. In real it goes how I prepare and what I do for it. I commit myself that I know, see when is really go all wrong and when I only I think that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not to see any positive point in my life. When and as I see myself to not to see any positive point in my life, I stop and breath. I realize that I don't need see positive point in my life, only I must see real things in my life and breath and live. I don't need some big goal in my life, I can live each moment and enjoy in it. I commit myself that I do what I can do and don't look for positive energy, because life is not energy, is being, breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that parents wand something from me all the time. When and as I see myself to think that parents want something from me all the time, I stop and breath. I realize that if I see what I must to do, then they don't tell me what I must to do, because I done before they tell me what I must to do. I live with my parents. I commit myself that I see what I must to do in our house and done before they tell me what I must to do.

Day 86: Bad mood or depression 12

In blog 85 I writing about loneliness and in this blog I write more about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see loneliness when I am alone and no one don't want talk or be with me. When and as I see myself to see loneliness when I'm alone and no one don't want talk or be with me, I stop and breath. I realize that be alone and feel lonely is not the same. In primary and secondary school I was all the time alone, but not lonely, but now I feel lonely and I have friends and talk with other people on web. Where is line between be alone and feel lonely? Why we feel lonely when people are around us? Why I don't see answer in first moment? I don't know how to live, I don't know how to be alone and not lonely. Is be in this moment enough? Is breathing enough? I think it is. So I start to breath and be in this moment, know that when person be with self don't be alone and see something for doing and move myself. I commit myself to be in this moment, breath and doing something, anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely when I see people in couple or in groups. When and as I see myself to feel lonely when I see people in couple or in groups, I stop and breath. I realize that be alone not mean be lonely, because you can feel loneliness in group. If I like myself, I love myself, my body, me, I can be me. Then I be fine alone or in couple or in group, in each moment with all people or alone. I commit myself that I like myself, my body, my all and become me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that be single is less than be in couple, have partner. When I see myself to think that be single is less than be in couple, have partner, I stop and breath.I realize that person are person and there no difference between single or to be involved with someone. Each person are equal, single or not. I commit myself to know that I'm worth the same than other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that no one like me. When and as I see myself to think that no one like me, I stop and breath. I realize that I don't need that someone or anyone like me, if I love/like myself. When I love/like myself then other people like me too. I commit myself that I when I start thinking about how no one like me, I ask myself what I need and what I want in this moment and give it myself.

Day 85: Bad mood or depression 11

In blog 76 I wrote: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I want to die because I collapsed because I don't pass exam. When and as I see myself to think that I want to die because I collapsed because I don't pass exam, I stop and breath. I realize that I start more often talk about death after collapse, so I think is this connected. I think that I don't scare to die, because I realize I can die in this moment, so I start exploit this word for search for attention. I commit myself to breath before I want to say that I want to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for attention. When and as I see myself to search for attention, I stop and breath. I realize that I can give myself attention when  I realize why I need this attention. The most often is because I don't know what to do and look around for chat and so on. I commit myself that I see problem and give attention myself before I look for it and become in bad mood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely and because it I look for attention. When and as I see myself to feel lonely and because it I look for attention, I stop and breath. I realize that I feel lonely because I don't see only person with who I can be all the time. This is me, myself. Only me can be with myself all the time. So loneliness is not that I'm alone, but I don't be with myself because I don't know what to do. I commit myself that I can take attention to myself and don't feel loneliness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely when I with resistance say yes for help other or go with them. When and as I see myself to feel lonely when I with resistance say yes for help other or go with them, I stop and breath. I realize that if I go somewhere with resistance I'm not there, I want to go away, I want run away, I'm alone. If I go in the same place because I want I feel in group, I help because I want to help. I feel that I'm not alone. I commit myself that I go with other because I want to go, not because I need to go and I must feel with other that I'm not alone, they want to be with me, so I must be with them.

Day 84: Bad mood or depression 10

In blog 75 I wrote: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start think about bad things when I finish with my work and I go in bad mood again. When and as I see myself to start think about bad things when I finish with my work and I go in bad mood again, I stop and breath. I realize that when I wok, I forgive about bad things, but when I calm myself and go watch TV or go on computer I became bad mood or depressed again. I know that I feel something in myself all the day, but when I work I forgive on it, but when I don't work anymore I remember on it and feel it. I know that I can go over this feeling, but I know that I must find beginning somewhere deep inside me. I commit myself that I breath and work and don't think about my bad feelings so much.

So I mention bad things in my blog. But what is bad things for me? And how I feel then? So when I don't work I think too much and I have too much time. So I fell again in bad mood. I feel nervous, loneliness, I don't know what to do. I look for attention, but most time no one have time for me and I don't know what to do. So I start thinking how no one like me, how lonely I am, because I'm single and so on. In the end all people are guilty for my bad mood, because they don't have time for me. In other way, when I have someone to talk with, I argue with this person and again I'm in bed mood. But this is, because I don't accept myself at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive about bad things that are about death, loneliness, that no one like me, no one don't have time for me. When and as I see myself to thinking/believing/perceiving about bad things that are about death, loneliness, that no one like me, no one don't have time for me, I stop and breath. I realize that this my bad things are only what I think about myself and I can change this. I must see that I am person who like me and have time for me and I'm always with myself. I commit myself that I know that I am only person who love me and I'm always with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk with other people and start argue with them. When and as I see myself to talk with other people and start argue with them, I stop and breath. I realize that if I think differently than other people is this my problem if I star with argue and I react on their words. I commit myself that when I see myself to react in other people words, I stop and see what bother me and if something bother me I talk about this thing since I stop react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too much. When and as I see myself that I think too much I stop and breath. I realize that if I work I think about work and forgot problems about myself, I don't think about my bad mood, I don't think about work and money and I fell better. But I can't only work and work, I must to look for point where my bad mood start. I commit myself that I breath and I realize that I breath all the time and look about the points when I begin in bad mood.

Day 83: Bad mood or depression 9 (I'm incompetent 1)

In blog 74 I wrote:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I don't know what I want to do. When and as I see myself to think that I don't know what I want to do, I stop and breath. I realize that I try to do a lot of things but in all things I'm not enough success to start learn money with it. Sometimes I scare to be success and I don't want to try and work hard for success. I scare be happy and have enough money. I'm scare be myself. I don't want money but I need it. I'm mess. I commit myself that I decide what I want in my life in try to be success in my job/work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare to be success. When and as I see myself to scare to be success, I stop and breath. I realize that I think when person was success must work a lot and I'm to lazy for that. When person are success a lot of people know it and successful people must be example, someone who are stable and I don't be stable. But in the end each person can be success person if they want be. I commit myself that I believe that I'm success in this moment because I live, I read and write almost two language and have people around myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to don't want to try and work hard for success. When and as I see myself to don't want to try and work hard for success, I stop and breath. I realize that if you want be someone or want something you must work for it. Each work is hard work if you hate it, but if you like it, you play, not work. But where is line between work and play? For me is line money and years, because when you older you too old for play and what you do you work not play. I commit myself that I do what I love to do with joy and if I work what I hate, I see something playfully in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare be happy and have enough money. When and as I see myself to scare be happy and have enough money, I stop and breath. I realize that I scare be what I wish. I wish be happy and have enough money for normal living, but what next if I have this, what is my next goal. But now in this moment I'm happy. I don't have enough money, but if you work what you want, you happy and if you work with hart, work what really want, money come. And this is so simple and not need be frightened. I commit myself that I work and don't think about happiness and money and they came to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare be myself. When and as I see myself to scare be myself, I stop and breath. I realize that I see being myself like I do what I want to do, what is good for me and other, what I can improve myself and world around me. When I am myself then I work and do what I like to do and work that I don't want to do I work in the way that I like it. I commit myself that I am what I am and try to be better me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I don't want money. When and as I see myself to think that I don't want money, I stop and breath. I realize that I need money in this system, because system work on money and each person need it. When system change we can live without money, since then I need it. I commit myself that I try to learn money and live with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I'm a mess. When and as I see myself to think I'm a mess, I stop and breath. I realize that I think that when I'm bad mood and I don't know what I want and what I wish. Then is the best go to the bed and rest, start with some work or only breath. I commit myself that I start work, go to the rest or only breath when I think that I'm mess.

Day 82: Bad mood or depression 8

In blog 76 I wrote:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I want to die because I collapsed because I don't pass exam. When and as I see myself to think that I want to die because I collapsed because I don't pass exam, I stop and breath. I realize that I start more often talk about death after collapse, so I think is this connected. I think that I don't scare to die, because I realize I can die in this moment, so I start exploit this word for search for attention. I commit myself to breath before I want to say that I want to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that death is end of all problems. When add as I see myself to think that death is end of all problems, I stop and breath. I realize that I can finish all my problems when I'm alive. The best way to go trough my problems is forgiving myself. I know that this is not fast and easy but is only way that work for me. I commit myself that I go trough my problems and eliminate them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I collapsed because I don't pass exam. When and as I see myself to think that I collapsed because I don't pass exam, I stop and breath. I realize that I collapsed because I was nervous, but in the same time I feel bad and if I listen my body I can prevent collapse. I commit myself that I listen my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not to listen my body. When and as I see myself to not to listen my body, I stop and breath. I realize that I feel something and don't want to go to do something, that in that time something go wrong and I hurt myself. This is because I thinking how to not to work and accident is here. I commit myself that listen my body, but if I must to go somewhere then I look what I do, not think how not to do.

Day 81: Bad mood or depression 7

In blog 76 I wrote:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry on professors because they say that I don't know enough and I don't pass exam. When and as I see myself to be angry on professors because they say that I don't know enough and I don't pass exam, I stop and breath. I realize that professors tell me because I don't learn enough and I don't know what they ask me. This is only my problem. I commit myself that I be selfresponsability and if I don't know something I admit this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I know enough for pass the exam. When and as I see myself to think that I know enough for pass the exam, I stop and breath. I realize that without study you can't know enough. So when I was need to do exam I must to learn enough for pass exam and not only hope that I pass. I commit myself that I learn and when I know enough I go in the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I pass exam or I can talk to other people although I don't know enough for that. When and as I see myself to think that I pass exam or I can talk to other people although I don't know enough for that, I stop and breath. I realize that if person don't learn, don't know and for exam or talk to the people must to know a lot of. So if I decide do something I must prepare myself to know all and more. I commit myself that I go on the exam and have lecture prepare and I know what I must to know.

Day 80: Bad mood or depression 6

In blog 76 I wrote:

When and as I see myself that I do exam/school because my parents be happy and proud on me, I stop and breath. I realize that I study because of me not because of my parents. Each parent want that be their child be good in school and find job. I commit myself that I study because I need this, not because made my parents happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be good in school if I want my parents like me and be proud on me. When and as I see myself to believing that I must be good in school if I want my parents like me and be proud on me, I stop and breath. I realize that firstly I must be proud on myself if I want to other see me or like me, because people see how I like myself and if they see, that I hate myself, they don't want see or listening me, not other people not my parents. I commit myself that I believe in myself and be proud on myself whatever I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'm not good enough and I can't finish any school and can't find job or find customers. When and as I see myself to thinking that I'm not good enough and I can't finish any school and can't find a job or find customers, I stop and breath. I realize that I finish two (primary and secondary) schools and I learn all my life, not really in school, but at home, whatever I want and interested for. All learning is learning if you have paper or not. Maybe you know more if you learn alone, at home, because you want to learn, not need to know. For find job or customers I only need to say myself, I do this and made what I need to do. I commit myself that I know, that I learn all my life in school or out of school and if I need something I must to decide to do and done that.

Day 79: Bad mood or depression 5

In blog Day 76 I wrote:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that 8 years of study is too much. When and as I see myself to think that 8 years of study is too much, I stop and breath. I realize that people learn all life and few years in the same school is no such problem. All is in my mind and when I want finish any school I go there and I finish, but now I don't prepare for finish it. I can't finish this school, but I can done some similar school. I commit myself that I finish some school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can study in one school less that 6 years and then I start to boring myself. When and as I see myself to believe that I can study on one school less than 6 years and then I start boring myself, I stop and breath. I realize that If you study one, four or ten years in the same school is the same, each exam is different and for each I must learn. In one school I going almost 30 years and don't see final exam. This school is life. We all learn all the life, each day. So being in the same school more that 6 years is not so big deal. I commit myself that I believe that study is all life, not only when you go to the school or you have home schooling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I change my interests so fast in seven years, because that I don't finish my university. When and as I see myself to think that I change my interests so fast in seven years, because that I don't finish my university, I stop and breath. I realize that I know a lot, because my parents want to know all in our farm, because all sometimes need to know. So I learn at home fast and each day something new. In school all go so slow and in the end we have exam and I must learning for it. But learning is to boring for me, because I don't want do this. In the end I don't change interests fast, but I want more. I commit myself that I know that you must learn if you want something to know, but learn is sometimes in school in easy way or in real life in hard way and better is learning in easy way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must be good in school for my parents because they be proud on me. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that I must be good in school for my parents because they be proud on me, I stop and breath. I realizing that all the life I learn and want to be good in school because I want that my parents see how smart I am and they hug me and tell me this. In second grade primary school because I'm not excellent (A) but very good (B), they show me, that I'm not good enough, so I tried all this years to demonstrate that I'm good enough and they can be proud on me. I commit myself that I lean for myself not because I want to demonstrate other how good I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm not good enough because I don't finish school. When and as I see myself to believe that I'm not good enough because I don't finish school, I stop and breath. I realize that I want finish because other people want that I finish and be the best and find a good yob and so on, but in real I don't want this. Because I'm not good enough I blame myself and go in bad mood or depression and each day is worst and worst and I don't see point of living and I want to die. When I thinking what I can change in my life I see something good in my life, but in real I only want that my parents see that I'm not stupid and I can do, but in the same time I'm tired to show my parents what I can, but in real I don't want that. I commit myself that I see what I want and do this and be the best because myself not because I must show other people how good I am.

Day 78: Bad mood or depression 4

In blog Day 76 I wrote:

When and as I see myself to think that I don't have life and I'm tired because I care in my grandma and help at home, I stop and breath. I realize that if I want I have life, because if I don't have time for myself this don't mean that I don't have life, only that I don't know what the life is and how live my life. Now I know that living is being in this moment and you can be in all the time, when you work or walk. I commit myself that I live my life each moment and not complain about things that I can't change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that other people are guilty for my bad mood. When and as I see myself think that other people are guilty for my bad mood, I stop and breath. I realize that all what happen to me is because my decision. No one put "a pistol" on my head and say what I must to do, I decide what I do and for what I do that. I am old enough and responsible for what I done, good or bad. I commit myself to accept my decision and if I do something wrong I admit that myself and other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse my ill/sick grandma and her busy daughter that I don't have time and life because them. When and as I see myself to accuse my ill/sick grandma and her busy daughter that I don't have time and life because them, I stop and breath. I realize that I decide that I took over my grandma because she can't walk and she have dementia, so I care for her. Yes, I don't go out because I took over, but this is only my decide. But this can't be my excuse. I commit myself to know/realize that only I can be guilty for that I do or not to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to/prefer be in reaction and don't realize that I breath and how I breath and don't be in this moment. When and as I see myself to want to/prefer be in reaction and don't realize that I breath and how I breath and don't be in this moment, I stop and breath. I realize that I live my life when I do what I want, but in the same time I don't damaging for other or myself. This is not so easy if I'm not stable, when I'm in reaction and in that moment I don't see what is going around me and don't see world only my imagination. In that moment I often go in bad mood in depression. I commit myself that I'm be stable and realize world around me, because in that moment I realize my breath and I don't became bad mood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I can't be in this moment if I work or walk or doing something. When and as I see myself to thinking/believing/perceiving that I can't be in this moment if I work or walk or doing something, I stop and breath. I realize that I can be in moment every moment in my life and realize my breathing and my body and realize myself. If I'm in that moment each moment I can't thinking and I can't be in bad mood. I commit myself that I realize myself in each moment and when I don't be in moment I start breathing and count, because counting help me to stop my mind when I have busy mind.