Day 142: Numbers 2

Today I will write about 10 minutes. Actually I all evening I try to talk with friend and each time I told her that I'm busy and I call her back in 10 minutes, but its take sometimes more than hour. So, what is time and why is 10 minutes so convenient to told to call back?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel back, because I told her that I call her in 10, but I don't do that. When and as I see myself to feel bad, because I told her that I call her in 10, but don't do that, I stop and breath. I realise that I not need feel bad if I don't call back in 10 minutes, but only when I really can't call her back. If I know, that I cal her back, but I don't do that I made mistakes and I'm not supportive for myself and her and I must look why I do that and what I must change next time. I know, that I can say, I call you back in half hour, but 10 minutes is short time for waiting, but long enough to do a lot of things. But the same time is not long enough for me when I go shopping. So, I commit myself that next time I told, that I don't have time in this moment and call back when I'm free and don't use time, only if I really take a short period like less than 5 minutes and really came back and call back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I once brake the word, that I do next time too. When and as I see myself to think that if I once brake the word, that I do next time too, I stop and breath. I realise that if you one time brake the word, you must work in this and think why you brake it. Because you like do that, or you really can't do what you promise. And if you really can't do, next time promise only what you can do. So, I commit myself that I promise only what I can do next time.

Day 141: Numbers

I step in the scale in that day again and number stop in I don't know what number. But I remember what I say myself "Klavdija, stop thinking about numbers and start eating". I think, that I don't eat enough, but I was not hungry and I don't starve my body because I want lost some more weigh. I eat once or twice on day and in real not hungry, but the same time I'm to tired for prepare some food, so walk on our garden is something that bring some more food in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too much how much weigh I lost in last years. When and as I think too much how much weigh I lost in last years, I stop and breath. I realise, that there are no numbers, but how I feel and what problems I have. There is more important, that I can walk without hurting knees because I have too much weigh, than have less and less in the scale. There are new muscles in my body that I don't have before and people say that muscles have more weigh than fat. So be in the moment and listen body what it want and I will be fine and don't starve and lost some more weigh. So, I commit myself that I don't think too much about my weigh and numbers, but live my life and feel good in my body in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare that I starve my body. When and as I see myself to think that I starve my body, I stop and breath. I realise that if I'm not hungry there are no reason to scare abut it. But there is no important how much I eat, but what I eat, so each day one chocolate is worse than one fruit or vegetable. So, I commit myself to not think how much I eat, but what I eat and that food must be enough supporting for my body. 

Day 140: Fear of death 3

Last time I write about men with relation to my thinking about death. And there are more points about. One of them is being alone. I feel bad when I end with man and when I thinking how I'm alone I feel bad too. So in my mind is that I want to be with someone else than myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want be with someone else than myself. When and as I see myself to want to be with someone else than myself, I stop and breath. I realise that I was first 4 years of my life only child and then in one moment I become big sister and my parents don't have anymore so much time for me than before, then I was all the time alone in primary school and first friends I can find in secondary school, but I be alone there too. And I'm sick to be alone all the time, so I look for partner, for someone to be with. I know that I'm the best partner for myself but I miss communication, I want to be center of universe for one person for one moment. I'm sick of men who want only sex and talk about sex. I want adult conversation with someone. I wish to have relationship with someone. I know that my conversation is so bad, but I don't know what to talk with other people. I feel so different that they. But if I find any person that I can communicate with is women, too old or married. So, I can't communicate too much with them or be with them. Or if is women our relationship is so different than with men, is only friendship. And when I think about relationship and communication with someone I become lonely and feel bad. Because I think I'm strong with words, but only give a information and writing is not enough for me. Voice is important, so speaking communication is fastest and sometimes better than writing. Yes I know, that with writing you slow down minds, but sometimes you must use your voice. And people make yoke from my voice because they hate it and I hate it too from time to time. But this is not important now. So, I commit myself that I accept myself, my voice, being alone and soon someone who want be with me in relation came to me and want to be with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick be alone all the time. When and as I see myself to be sick be alone all the time, I stop and breath. I realise that I have myself, friends, coworkers and other people. But I'm alone when the most I need to talk with someone. Sometimes I want to go somewhere, but not alone, but there is no one that want to go with me and in the end I stay at home. Sometimes is being with someone better than being alone. There is one point, you must communicate and adjust their wish, but when you are alone you sometimes don't have any wish to visit places and going somewhere. And being alone is right time to visit all the places that you wish to visit it. So, I commit myself to sit in the car and go around when I want go somewhere and do what I wish, because when I find somewhere I must adjust them.

Day 139: Fear of death 2

A few weeks ago I again think about that "I want to die" and I saw starting point because it I start thinking about. I realise that I think about "I want to die" in situation about be in relationship with someone or men don't want to be with me or men disappoint me because there are so scare to be in relationship with me. So I want to be with some men in relationship, but no one like me, so I feel bad and start thinking about "I want to die" and "no one likes me" and "I want some men", but I don't see myself and how be in relation with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thinking about men that brings to my mind thinking about death too. When and as I see myself to thinking about men that brings to my mind thinking about death too, I stop and breath. I realise that thinking about death is not supportive to me and when I think about men and how disappointed I am is the same. So, being supportive is that be friend with men and if I'm disappointed in relation with men I only say that I can't change in this situation anything, but next time I be more calm and don't go into men and want him. If anyone want to be with me they told me this. So, I commit myself that in relation with men I don't think about death, because I can be only person in this moment to be in relation with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk with men and be open too much and when they want something from me I close myself. When and as I see myself to talk with men and be open too much and when they want something from me I close myself, I stop and breath. I realise that I want someone so much that I open myself too soon and I give them all they want like photos and phone number and soon they want more and I don't want to. In the end is all over and I'm disappointed and men are disappointed too and they are bad in the end, but in real if I look better in myself I see that I'm the person who made problems to myself. I feel that this men is ok and in the end I scare myself and finish it, but better will be, that I chat like a friend and in the end see if this will go or not. But I want now in this moment all and because it I made this situation and in the end men is guilty and I'm good girl who is disappointed in life so much. If some men is ok for me I want him in this moment and they scare to me and don't want be in relationship with me. So, the biggest problem of myself is I want this person in this moment to be in relationship with. So, I commit myself to be more easy going and not be so open in beginning and don't tell men that I want be with and in the end he came to me and told that he want to be with me.

Day 138: Fear of death 1

Often when I think about death I see, that I saw all and I have enough experiences in my life. But if I stop myself and think better, I see that I want more. I want to see some places more, meet some people, do some things that I love to do. In real I don't yet know why I live, what is my purpose in core. And when I think about travelling and have some adventure I think about not have money, not have time, relax, abroad, calm, blank mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that to have adventure need money and time. When and as I think that to have adventure need money and time, I stop and breath. I realise that I don't need money and time to have adventure, but I must only decide to have fun. There are one person who write, that to travel you not need a money, because you can earn it during the travel or if you write about your adventure and people pay you for that. I commit myself that when think that I need money and time for adventure I start living and each moment become a big adventure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that have adventure is only if you travel abroad. When and as I think that have adventure is only if you travel abroad, I stop and breath. I realise that travel abroad is travel abroad, but the biggest adventure is when you are in your country and take time for yourself and be with yourself. This is the biggest adventure. Go to the near forest, near village, walk from your town from another. All this is adventure. Adventure is when you do something that you don't do before and you enjoy. I commit myself that When I think that have adventure is travel abroad, I stop, breath and go out of my house and start with adventure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that only in adventure or vacation you can relax and have blank mind. When and as I see myself to think that only in adventure or vacation you can relax and have blank mind, I stop and breath. I realise that you can have blank mind and you relax in each moment in your life if you do what you love to do and is not so physically difficult. And this is all the time out of the work. You can also have blank mind in each moment when you not need to think too much. So, I commit myself that when I think that I must go to the vacation to relax and have black mind, I stop and breath and go in place where I like to be and enjoy the moment,

Day 137: Fear of death

It was time when I want to die, but I scare kill myself. It's hurt. And this it's hurt is point that in real I scare to die. When I think to the die, I see my body lie on the table, naked and doctors made autopsy on them. In this moment I think that I'm not beautiful, and what they say about me and my body. And yes in other way I know that they see all kind of bodies in their life and some of them are old and not so good looking that I want to be mine body. So, when I think about autopsy I think about how fat I am, how not good looking and then I don't want to die. There is some tension in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tension in my body when I think about death and autopsy. When and as I see myself to have tension in my body when I think about death and autopsy, I stop and breath. I realise that in the end each person die and me too. So, is better, that I accepted myself and my body, than I scare to die. No, I don't die in this moment, I want to live and work and being, but scare of die is not only scare of die, but much more. So, I commit myself that when I have tension in my body when I think about death and autopsy, I stop, breath and think that my body is mine and if I support my body I start like it and in the end I like my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like my body. When and as I see myself to not like my body, I stop and breath. I realise, that this is my body, this is part of me and I must be proud on and on each part of it. When I like myself and my body, I can be myself at all. I must support myself and my body with exercise, food and right minds. Because my minds affected on my body. So, I commit myself that I sto and breath when I think about how I don't like my body and in that moment start support it with exercise, rest, food or something supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare death with autopsy and being naked. When and as I see myself to compare death with autopsy and being naked, I stop and breath. I realise, that I can be naked in public, take naked photos, but being naked and death is not for me. Being death is the end, but if I take picture and send someone, that person can told me that how beautiful I am, because men don't tell me how ugly I am. So I need compliments from other people that I have beautiful body, because I don't see that. So, I commit myself to stop seeing together death and autopsy and realise, that my body is beautiful without compliments of other people.

Day 136: I'm not good in this sport 1

I'm better than you, you're better than me. Compare with other people made the most reactions in us. When I don't compare with other, and they told me, that I'm good for how long I practice, I feel good, but when I forgot in their words and begin with compare, I become bad mood and I don't listen anyone what they want to tell me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I'm angry on the people who told me that I'm good, but in the end I seen, that I'm in the end of list of all competitors. When and as I see myself to be angry on the people who told me that I'm good, but in the end I seen, that I'm in the end of list of all competitors. I realise that they told me, that I'm good in relation how long I practice and how much I know about this sport. All people who are better than me practice a few years, but I practice only a few months and this is big difference. I commit myself that I'm not angry on the people who give me a support in the way how good I am in my own situations without compare with other people only see how good or bad I am in this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad in the end of competition, but all the time I feel good and enjoy in the competition and with people in my group. When and as I see myself to feel bad in the end of competition, but all the time I feel good and enjoy in the competition and with people in my group, I stop and breath. I realise that I enjoy when I don't see the results and after the end of competition I sit down and see, that I'm tired and my results are not good enough for any prize. But I must seen, that the best prize is that my coach was proud on me and other coach see potencial on me. So I must work as much I can and next time results will be better. I commit myself that results can't made me bad mood, because is this only because I think that I'm better that I am in real.

Day 135: I'm not good in this sport

I'm not person who like sport, but I like shooting and because it I'm start this year with shooting with bow and yesterday I have first competition. We are in more groups and go through 14 different points, shoot and then go further. In each point we look how much point we shoot and write it down. In mine group are 4 more people and 3 of them are trainer, one mine and 2 from other clubs. They don't help me, but they told me, what to do next time in similar situations and what I must change. And all the time they told me that I'm good. But in the end I was only 11 of 13 competitors. And this was not good enough for me and I feel bad and stop with practice. But they have right. I was good if we look that I practice only 4 months once a week. And this time I shoot first time in long distance. But I do the most mistakes in short distance. So next time in practice I see what my trainer told me to do for improve myself. But their words, that I'm good made my ego big and when I see results I was disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed because I think that I will be better in competition and men and women be separated and they give me a medal. When and as I see myself to be disappointed because I think that I will be better in competition and men and women be separated and they give me a medal, I top and breath. I realise that organiser made the rules and this is above all, so I must accepted this rules. What I think and what I wish is not matter. And because I think that that men and women separately receive medal I wish more. Then I was practice only 4 months and I can't competition with people who practice a few years or decades. So, I was the best that I can be. I commit myself that when I'm disappoint on myself I look in background and see how good or bad I really am and for now is more important that I enjoy in competition and not so much how good or bad I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare with her who shooting 3 years but went in competition only one round and I went two times and we have almost the same score. When and as I see myself to compare with her who shooting 3 years but went in competition only one round and I went two times and we have almost the same score, I stop and breath. I realise that this compare made me down, because my result was only 22 points better than hers and this was the worst for me. We are together in practice and she practice less than me, but she has more experiences than me, so is logic that she is better than me, but in other way I go 2 rounds and have only a few points more than she, so I'm not so good that I think that I am. But if trainer say, that I'm good for my experiences and how mush I practice, I must accepted his words and be proud on myself. I commit myself that I don't compare myself with other, because we have different experiences and this can't be comparative, so I'm one and only person and I must see only myself and how much I give in some results.

Day 134: Famous people 1

Famous people are smart, rich and beautiful. And this is mine belief. But if you look closer is not real. Some famous people is not smart, but average, not rich at all and not beautiful, but they made all that other people think that they are. So I must to know, that famous people are the same people than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that famous people are smart, rich and beautiful. When and as I see myself to think that reach people are smart, rich and beautiful, I stop and breath. I realise that is not all in being smart, being rich and being beautiful. Most important is being person and being accessible to talk with other people. So, I commit myself that when I think that about famous people, I know, that they are only people too and they have pluses and minuses too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that famous people are not accessible. When and as I see myself to think that famous people are not accessible, I stop and breath. I realise that in our country are famous people are the same like we and they talk with us and so on. How accessible are really famous people in other countries I don't know, but I think, that not so accessible because a lot of people want talk with them and only because it they don't want be in public alone. So, I commit myself that when think that famous people are not accessible think why they don't want be accessible and compare what I'll do in the same situation.

Day 133: Famous people

I meet person who are sportsman and I named him B. When I see him first time I told myself, that is ok and I must know him better and I am. He is nice and hard-working and see work. I told with him a few words. But there is problem in my head. B become cute for me and in one way I want be with him, but in other way is too young for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that person is cute for me, because have sexy body and muscles. When and as I see myself to think that person is cute for me, because have sexy body and muscles, I stop and breath. I realise that each person can have sexy body and muscles. But there is problem what is sexy body for me. I'm not in shape, so all other tipe of body that are more muscles than me is sexy. But when I see my body as sexy, then I see all body as sexy and I don't look only for sexy bodies and muscles. I commit myself that I see firstly myself as cute and then I don't need to look other people to see cute and sexy people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that sportsmen and other well known people are more than me, because know them more people than myself. When and as I see myself to think that sportsmen and other well known people are more than me, because know them more people than myself, I stop and breath. I realise that each person is well known, and no one is better than me, because we are all people and we are the same. Is enough that I know only myself, because each person can know only itself enough. All other is only think that know other people. So, I commit myself to not look for other well known people and think that they are more than me, but I must see myself equal than them and I can talk with them like with other people.

Day 132: Illness and minds 2

It't not so hart to work what I doing, but I'm not still fast enough, but I try and do fast as possible. But it't time when I was so fast and is time when I'm tired and I don't want work anymore and I want be with myself. Then I don't want to chat with anyone and if he ask me anything I ignore him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore him when he ask me when I'm tired. When and as I see myself to ignore him when he ask me when I'm tired, I stop and breath. I realise that I ignore him when I feel tired and I know that he must know what he ask me and know that if I told him anything or not, there is not difference for him. I was have a grandmother who has dementia and I was the person who steal her money. Yes, this is typically for sick people with this illness. And I told her, that I'm not steal her anything, but I was guilty and since there I don't want to argue with people who don't understand and don't listen me and ignore them. It is better than lost energy for them. But in beginning I don't know if person understand me or not, so I want to explain them. But next time I try ignore them. I commit myself that next time anyone ask me something I explain them once, and if they don't understand not lost my energy anymore, but not ignore them, but tell, that any other person can explain them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate explain over and over the same stuff, but I see that I ask other people same over and over till I'm not sure. When and as I see myself to hate explain same stuff over and over, but see that I ask other people same stuff over and over, I stop and breath. I realise that I have what I do to other people, so I must firstly change myself and then I hate other people what they do. So, I commit myself that I ask only once if I don't understand, and if other people ask me first time I explain and then if they ask me more than 3 times I ignore them or tell them that they must to know since now.

Day 131: Illness and minds

I feel great and I don't notice that I have broken my imune sistem, but I have some illness that is in relation with bad imune sistem. So where is problem? All is in my mind. And all is in relation with my work. Because I hate my work, I work so much and they don't pay me enough for that kind of work. And since we have new coworker I must work harder than before and do his work. And I hate this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate him because I must work faster than when I don't work with him, to do what he can't to do. When and as I see myself to hate him, I stop and breath. I realise that in beginning I work slowly too, but I try to work as fast as possible, but he don't, we don't see any change. And often we, work together and I must do for myself and him to be same fast than other side, because we must work together. I commit myself that when we work together I try do as fast as possible and be in the moment and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my work, because I work because of money, but they pay me so little for that kind of work. When and as I see myself to hate my work, I stop and breath. I realise that they give us the minimum of minimum because they don't have more money, they must pay taxes and other stuff and in the end we have only enough for survive. But I must be in other way happy for that, because a lot of people have less than me or they don't give them at all. But I must be happy for that I have, because I have and I can buy myself what I need. I commit myself to stop and breath when I begin thinking about paying and know that year ago I don't have any money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my work, because I must work so much and became tired in the end of the day. When and as I see myself to hate my work because I must work hard, I stop and breath. I realise that it's better be at home and work easily and what I like to do, but that kind of work don't bring any money. If I want money I must work hard. At home or at work. So, I commit myself that when I'm tired I breath and sit down as much as possible and sleep at home that I can survive and regenerate myself and work next day the same good that I must to do.

Day 130: Connect with my body

Shooting with bow. You feel all muscles in back. But when you practice you must be in the moment, connect with body, breath, calm yourself. Practice of shooting is not only practice for shooting, but for your body and mind too. But first time I have big problem with shooting, because I do that first time and I hurt myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare that I hurt myself again. When and as I see myself to scare that I hurt myself again, I stop and breath. I realise that I hurt myself because I'm not in moment and I don't be careful on my body position and my arms, and when I be careful and be prepare it was better. I commit myself that I don't scare to hurt myself, because is more options that I do that.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to scare how I hurt myself and not be carefully on my position of arm. When and as I see myself to scare how I hurt myself and not be carefully on my position of arm, I stop and breath. I realise that is more chance to hurt myself when I scare how I hurt myself and not be carefully on my body and arm position. And when in the end I learn how to shoot in correct way I don't have scare anymore and don't hurt myself anymore. I commit myself when I see myself to have scare to hurt myself I stop, breath and calm myself and take the bow in correct way, move my arm in correct angle and breath and shoot, with no any scare.

Day 129: Feel locked-up

I don't feel from time to time good on my work and feel locked-up. I feel that my coworkers don't like me. And in one side I wish work a few months or years more, but in other side I don't want to work not a day anymore. So where is problem and what I really want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad from time to time in my work because I'm slow, became tired soon and not good with other people for conversation. When and as I see myself to feel bad from time to time in my work, I stop and breath. I realise that I became tired because I don't have enough shape and because of this, I work too slow. But for that I don't understand with my coworkers I'm only guilty person, because I don't know what I want to do and look their approve and don't be sure in myself. So, I commit myself that again begin walk each day and if I decide to do something I don't look for other people approve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try be nice with all coworkers, but when I'm tired I do what is not best for all. When and as I see myself to try be nice with all coworkers, but when I'm tired I do what is not best for all, I stop and breath. I realise that I don't need be nice with coworker in way how I talk with them, but that I do what I must to do in the best way and in that way there is no person who don't like me, because they don't see me in other way than how I work and be with myself. I commit myself to do what I must to do, and if no one ask me I was in quiet and with myself.

Day 128: Love 2

And he told me that he can see us in relationship, but when I ask him to meet, he don't have time to do that. So, I became nervous and bad mood and almost cry, because I feel bed, because I think that I'm not enough good for him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost cry because he told me that he see us in relationship, but he don't have time for meet. When and as I see myself to almost cry because him, I stop and breath. I realise that we have different perception in ours life and I'm that person who must wait and be in the moment and support him that he decide what he want in life. So, I commit myself that I don't push on him, but I support him if he want support from me, but if he don't want, I leave him alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'm not good enough for him, because he don't have time for me. When and as I see myself to think that I'm not good enough for him, I stop and breath. I realise that I can't know if I'm good enough for him or not in any way, but if he don't have time, he don't want be with me in relationship, only be friend with me. So, I commit myself to not tell myself if I'm good enough for other people or not, but I be myself and be the best I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for other men and each men is cute for me. When and as I see myself to look for other men and each men is cut for me, I stop and breath. I realise that last time I look for men and a lot of men is cute for me and want be with them. the most is that is holiday time and I feel lonely because I'm alone, but I think that I'm not prepare for go in relationship with any men that I look on. So, I commit myself to when any man is cute for me, I stop, breath and look why is cute for me and how I feel in that moment and if I feel lonely and look for someone I must to know, that I don't need it.

Day 127: Last moment

I see that I do all important and no so important things in last minute. I have a lot of time to do one thing, like one month, but I do it last days and look in the clock if I finish in right moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not doing when I have time, but last moment. When ans as I see myself to not doing what I must to do when I have time, but last moment, I stop and breath. I realise that I take difficult theme and then i don't want to write or doing when I have enough time, but I do when I don't time or last moment. I commit myself to take time each weekend and write blog, and when I doing something I take time like week before end and doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off all what I don't like. When and as I see myself to put off all what I don't like, I stop and breath. I realise that I like to put off all what I don't like and do what I like to do, but there is something more important than other and if I delay something important I must do or finish in last moment and I hate that in real. So, I commit myself to do all when I have time and don't delay, because in the end all must be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hungry, sleepy, thirsty if and when I must something to do or finish and I don't like that to do. When and as I see myself to become hungry, sleepy, thirsty if and when I must something to do, I stop and breath. I realise that I became that when I don't like do what I doing and I find all possible excuses to not to do, but when I finish I see, that it will be better if I don't look for excuses, because I lost lot of time. So, I commit myself that when I see myself to look for excuses or became hungry, I look why I do that and do some SF.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses when I don't need it. When and as I see myself to look for excuses when I don't need it, I stop and breath. I realise that is better to go trough problem, writing and finish as soon as possible and later do what I think that I need to do, but is only excuse. I commit myself to move myself in position what I don't like and go trough problems I have in that moment.

Day 126: Love 1

Or what I hate on you. Yes, I see on him something negative too, because I know him so much time and we have ups and downs, so I can see his pluses and minuses and this time I see minuses or how different is than me.

I forgive mysefl that I have accepted and allowed myself to don't like how close is he. When and as I see myself to don't like how close is he, I stop and breath. I realise that I don't know how to prepare him to told me more about him and if he like me or not. But I must to realize that when he want he told me about himself, so I must leave him alone or only support him. I don't like this, because I thin and see myself like a outspoken person who told a lot about myself. So, I commit myself that I don't hate how close he is and I only support him to be himself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to don't like his shy. When and as I see myself to don't like his shy, I stop and breath. I realise that he like small talk, but when we start talk about him or relation he became shy and son't tell anything about him and what he think. So, I commit myself that I'm carefull and only listen him and support and once maybe tell me more about himself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to don't like his small talk, because he want to chat when I'm bussy. When and as I see myself to don't like his small talk, I stop and breath. I realise that I often want only talk with someone, so he want to talk with me too, but he want only type all conversations and I don't have time and will be better if we talk, but he don't want to talk on phone or skype or any where, so I must typing too. I commit myself that I accepted his wish and breath and told him if I don't have enough time for chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to don't like because he don't want chat on phone. When and as I see myself to don't like because he don't want to chat on phone, I stop and breath. I realise that if you typing you slow your mind and think what you must to write and so on. But in some situations I want to hurry up all together, because I don't have time, I want to told him a lot of things as so on, but he don't like chat on phone any time, ok, he call me before we need to meet each other and he is not on computer to write. But I want to chat or listen him more often than once in two years when we see each other. So, I commit myself to calm myself, breath, and accepted that he don't like chat on phone and when I want to chat ask if he want and if he say no, I don't care about that.

Day 125: Love

Yes, I write that I'm in love, but in real I don't know what think about. I know this men a few years and last 2 years are single. And I'm tired because I want to tell him direct and indirect that I like him, but he don't react on any suggestion, so I don't know where I am. And when I see him I become crazy on him and I think that he like me too, but I don't know if it's real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want be with him, but I don't know if he want be with me. When and as I see myself to want be with him, but I don't know if he want to be me, I stop and breath. I realise that I want be with him, because I see something on him, but I don't know jet what. He don't have time for me, is all the time bussy, I cry often because of him and all the time I'm dissapointed in relation on him, but when I see him I'm in love. So, I commit myself that I want to be real when I see him and see what is the thing that I love or what I want to have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in real conversation scare to told him that will be better if he made first step and so on, but on computer I don't have any problem to told him anything. When and as I see myself to in real conversation scare to told him that will be better if he made first step and so on, but on computer I don't have any problem to told him anything, I stop and breath. I realise that there is not that guilty of computer but it is my feelings to him and because it I scare told mu all and how I want to tell me. I commit myself to try next time be alone with him and told him all what I want to told him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to don't want to leave him because we know each other too much time. When and as I see myself to don't want to leave him because we know each other too much time, I stop and breath. I realise that I think that if I leave to go where he want to go, I hurt him, but in this way I hurt myself and is tough for me because I live this life, and I wish that once be together, because now we are only friends or less, but we know each other 6 or 7 years and I don't want to lost him. I commit myself that I go and breath and live my life and allow him to live his life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'm guilty that he left his ex. When and as I see myself to think that I'm guilty that he left his ex, I stop and breath. I realise that he left his ex because he want do this and not bcause we kiss each other once when we meet each other. So, I commit myself to when I feel guilty, I stop, brath and know, that left partner is because them, not my guilty and he made this choice.

Day 124: To lie myself

Last time I see myself that I want to help and support other people, but in my words is not that I do. I tell them something and doing something else. And what I tell them is only theory and I must be the first person who live that theory. So because I only tell them and not living I lie myself and other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not to live what I talk to other people what they must to do. When and as I see myself to not to live what I talk to other people what they must to do, I stop and breath. I realise that often I talk about think that I don't live, but I have a lot of things about that theme to tell and advice them. But how I can give someone advice if I don't live that. So, I commit myself that I when I see myself to want to give other people advice where I know only theory and don't live, I stop and breath and I told them that like, I don't do this jet, but it will be god if we think and do in that and that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I lie myself when I tell other what I don't live in my life but only heard that is the best to do in that way. When and as I see myself to feel that I lie myself when I tell other what I don't live in my life but only heard that is the best to do in that way, I stop and breath. I realise that I often listen other people and with no try myself that in my life and prof that what they say is true I told the same stuff other people and this is not god for me and other people who told me and who listen me. So, I commit myself that I try and prove what I head and want to tell other people for support or argument.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad like I have something in myself when I told other people what I don't prove in my life. When and as I see myself to feel bad like I have something in myself when I told other people what I don't prove in my life, I stop and breath. I realise that if something is logic from my experiences that I have and I heard from someone I can connect my experience and their knowing and can support other, but if I have only knowing with no similar experiences I can't  support other with this knowing. So, I commit myself that before talk something to someone I must believe in that information and trust them and prove them from myself or only I prove a part of information and logically connect with my experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not to feel bad when I talk about politics that I don't want heart about, because I'm not prepare for that, but I have a lot of advice about. When and as I see myself to not to feel bad when I talk about politics that I don't want heart about, because I'm not prepare for that, but I have a lot of advice about, I stop and breath. I realise that this is for me biggest point to work on, because in one way I don't want think and participate in politics, but in other way I have a lot of advice about how to react and be good politics, so I must work on this and become person who go in the election and give my voice for kandidate that I like it and is the most stable and talk what they think and do. So, I commit myself to don't talk too much about politics since I don't give my vote for one of them.

Day 123: Cat and fear of height

Today my mum say that I went to something to other building and with big problem I go. I see open door and light inside and then I see cat in the balcony in the top of the stairs. I call cat, but they don't response and cat scare of me, because don't want go next to me on the stars down. It look down from balcony in the other side and I scare that jump down. I call it, but not response. I go up in the stairs and cat in the end look last time down and jump. I hear only dum- dum and then I see cat how to run. It's survive, but I don't know if they have any problems. And yes, it jump 4 meters or more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scare that cat will jump when I see his attention and when it look down. When and as I see myself to scare that cat will jump when I see his attention and when it look down, I stop and breath. I realise that I scare height and I scare that cat will hurt itself if jump down that 4 meters, because I believe that I don't survive if I jump from that height. But cat more afraid me that height and jump and survive. I commit myself that if I want something to not to do any animal only go away and don't scare if they survive or not, because they don't afraid anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to afraid of height and I think that animals have too. When and as I see myself to afraid of height and I think that animals have too, I stop and breath. I realise that animals look and when they see that jump is only solution they jump and survive, because they not think about height, but how to land to survive and be ok. But we think more about height, what can go wrong and why not to jump and all consequences if we jump or fall, so we are not in the moment and we think about fears, but animals use only run or fight, but they don't think too much what to do. I commit myself to learn how to react with look on animals and their behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that cat not survive after the jump, but I see how they run. When and as I see myself to think that cat not survive after the jump, but I see how they run, I stop and breath. I realise that I not need be in the shock after seeing cat jump 4 meters or more and hear how land in the grass with no problem, but I accept myself like a person who is in the moment and don't think about fears and what can be wrong if I do something. I must be like this cat, who land in the feet and survive and run away. I must survive and be myself. I commit myself that I don't think only observe what is doing around myself and learn a lot new things.